The Mask is a fantasy-superhero-slapstick-comedy-action flick that rocked our motherfucking worlds when we were kids. It taught you that it's okay to be weird and bald, as long as you have plenty of confidence! And a magic mask inhabited by the spirit of an ancient Norse God. Whatever. While Stanley Ipkiss and the gang left me laughing (and believe me, a 1990s Jim Carrey flick still holds up), it also left me with more than a few concerns...
1. After Stanley Finds a Filthy, Waterlogged Mask in a Dirty River, He Immediately Tries to Stick His Face in It
Edge City, the grungy metropolis in which The Mask takes place, is a horrible, crime-stricken city overrun by the Mafia, so I can only assume the river Stanley jumps into is absolutely fucking polluted with garbage and/or dismembered human feet. He thinks he's saving a drowning man, but once he realizes it's just a damp wooden mask floating on a hunk of corpse-shaped trash, WHY would he put it anywhere near his face? That's how you get a staph infection, Stanley.
2. The Mask Pulls A USED CONDOM Out of His Pocket During His Balloon Show
It's weird enough that a pack of violent street tuffs loves balloon animals as much as these ones, but what's more upsetting is when The Mask, a guy who's basically a human Pepe Le Pew, pulls a loose, floppy, USED condom out of his pocket during his carnival performance. Not only is that a super intense and perturbing thing to have for a throwaway joke, but he had only just become The Mask like five minutes ago, there's no way he had sex in that time; so the real question is who used a condom and then real quick snuck it into Jim Carrey's pocket? The other question is why did my parents let me watch this movie when I was five.
3. Why Does He Throw a Cursed Mask out of His Window in the Middle of a Metropolitan Area?
After a night of vandalism and the like, Stanley tosses the mask out of his apartment window so he isn't tempted to use it again. At this point in the movie, under the influence of the mask, Stanley "Mr. Nice Guy" Ipkiss has brutally attacked several people, destroyed a guy's car with a tiny hilarious horn, demolished his apartment hallway with a mallet, shot an automatic weapon into a crowd full of bikers, and sexually assaulted two men with mufflers. He KNOWS the mask made him do all that crazy shit, so why, why would he toss it out of his window into the middle of a crowded, awful city where literally any psycho could just pick it up and essentially have the powers of a God? BURN IT, YOU HOPELESS GOON. DON'T THROW IT INTO THE STREET. You know, for a "nice guy" Stanley can be a real self-involved dick.
4. Why Does Stanley Like Tina?
Okay, I get that it's 1994 Cameron Diaz we're talking about here, and Stanley does let his cartoonish boner basically run his life, but why does he really like her? Why is he willing to risk everything, including life in prison, to save her? She's not even funny or interesting, she's just a sexpot of legs, boobs and terrible 90s dresses who knows how to make one Hell of an entrance. For someone who's a "hopeless romantic," you'd think Stanley would be looking for more than that in a woman. His exact words on the topic are "She's an artist, Charlie. She's...sensitive." but what reason has she ever given him to think either of those things??? She complimented his tie once while trying to figure out the best way to rob his bank, so I guess that was sensitive of her. She bangs gangsters on the reg so she can sing at their club, that's...artsy? Ugh, I honestly just don't get it.
Yeah okay nvm.
5. The Park Bench Scene We're All Pretending Wasn't Creepy AF
"Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant, I will spread your pate, I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise." Just so everyone's clear, vichyssoise is a type of soup. This is the SECOND sentence The Mask ever speaks to Tina, and he calls her vagina a potato soup. Then she understandably knees him in the danglers and tries to flee. Don't worry, he stops her, lunges at her on a bench, and exclaims that it's time to divide and conquer. Fucking. Yikes.
6. Putting Mufflers in People's Butts Is NEVER Okay
"I want a proctologist standing by. You heard me. The best one you can find!" That's the only pertinent dialogue from these scene, really. I briefly brought this up earlier but I feel like it's upsetting enough to get its own place on this list. I don't care how hilarious it was when I was 11; there is some absolutely traumatizing stuff going on here. These two mechanics are definitely sleazy jerks, and I know they scam Stanley out of some money, but man, this is some DARK revenge. Nobody's butt deserves that.
7. Detective Kellaway Gets Shit on the Entire Movie
Detective Kellaway is actually a really good cop who takes his job seriously and wants to protect the city from rat bastards like Dorian. Over the course of the movie, he solves several crimes and saves multiple people's lives. Regardless, throughout the movie he gets zero credit and is just constantly gets shit on, especially by Stanley himself.
After everything goes down, he SUCCESSFULLY apprehends the bank robber, who is Stanley, lest you forget, and he insists they should retrieve the mask from Stanley's dog Milo. This is actually a pretty fantastic idea considering the kind of chaos it's responsible for, but what does he get for his trouble?
What the fuck? This guy deserves a medal, not a stern talking to from a confused mayor. So if you're as dissatisfied with Kellaway's ending as I am, check out the Dark Horse comics that the film is based on. Kellaway wears the mask himself and goes bananas all the mob bosses in Edge City.
It's honestly pretty fucking metal.
8. At the end of the movie, Stanley Pulls Even MORE Casual Mask-Tossing Bullshit
We JUST got done witnessing the fucktastrophe that the mask causes, and AGAIN, Stanley just has Tina whimsically throw it off a bridge back into the river. Then they make out a lot. Okay, that's a happy ending until some vengeful dolphin gets ahold of it. Oh wait, don't worry, Milo the lovable terrier fetches it out of the water! That's gonna turn out super well.
9. Stanley Should Actually Be in Prison Forever
Okay, I accept that Dorian ends up being the scapegoat for the bank robbery, FINE, he was gonna rob that bank anyway, but Stanley still commits several thousand crimes, including murder. He flushes Dorian down a large drain in front of the mayor and doesn't even feel bad about it. Dorian died wet, alone, and in a pipe. Honestly Stanley doesn't really seem to feel bad about ANY of the trauma he just dishes out scene after scene. And really, no one's gonna talk about how Stanley, AS Stanley, kidnaps a senior detective at gunpoint and pistol-whips his cell guard into a freakin coma? Edge City law enforcement is legit fucked.
And finally, the most gruesome, unforgivable, egregious act of inhumanity in this entire film....