Harry, Ron and Hermione are fun and all, but for the students who weren't spending every second battling the Dark Lord, life at Hogwarts was indisputably a 24/7 teenage f*ckfest. Here's why:


 1. Polyjuice Potion

This is a potion that makes you look like anyone you want (assuming you can get a strand of their hair). There is no way it would not be used for sex reasons constantly. Make yourself look hotter so you can trick someone hot into boning you. Make your significant other look different so you two can spice things up for a night. Get two pals together and have a threesome between Megan Fox, Channing Tatum, and a second Megan Fox. The possibilities are endless.

 2. The Mirror of Erised 

Maybe when Harry was ELEVEN his deepest desires were to meet his parents and to prevent Voldemort from getting the sorcerer's stone. But if the climax of Book 1 had happened when he was a few years older, he would've had to be like, "Ahhh, sorry Quirrell, this is so embarrassing, but all I'm seeing is me and Cho Chang banging on the Quidditch pitch lol, omg now Madame Hooch is joining in, whaaat. Hey um, do you and Voldo think maybe could you just give me a few minutes of privacy?" It might be awkward to admit what you see, but it would also be like watching the best porn ever, starring yourself and whoever else you want.

 3. Borgin and Burkes 

Remember the dimly-lit Dark Arts shop in Knockturn Alley with the face-masks, hangman's rope, and "rusty, spiked instruments" hanging from the ceiling? Uh, yeah. Those were definitely all sex toys. The Weasley twins were often warned about venturing into Knockturn Alley by notorious kinkshamer Mrs. Weasley, but you know Bellatrix Lestrange probably bought all her haunted buttplugs here.


 4. The Room of Requirement

But however will students have sex when they're separated at night by gender, age and House into tiny dormitories of five people each? It's not like there's some magical room on campus that'll just APPEAR when they really need some privacy, where Filch and Mrs. Norris will never find them, where there's a giant heap of condoms and multiple sex swings and whatever else they need for their nudity session. OH WAIT YES THERE TOTALLY IS.

 5. The Shrieking Shack 

Room of Requirement not good enough for you? Go chug a few butterbeers at the Hog's Head, pick up some edible underwear from Honeydukes, and get freaky in the Shrieking Shack. You won't be interrupted because everyone is afraid to go in there, and no matter what weird sex noises you make, the good people of Hogsmeade will just assume it's a werewolf or banshee or something.

You know, there's a reason you can only get to the Shrieking Shack via the Whomping Willow. It's 'cause you go there when you 'bout to get WHOMPED.

6. The Undetectable Extention Charm

If that's STILL not enough venue options for you, don't forget the charm on the tent the Weasleys stay in at the Quidditch World Cup, the one that makes any space larger than it appears from the outside. Simply wave your wand and make any broom closet into your own personal hump-palace.


 7. The Prefects' Bathroom

Wait, here's one more great Hogwarts babymaking destination. Remember the description of the prefect's bathroom in Book 4, with the golden bath taps, and the different-colored water, and the bubbles, and the foam? Pretty romantic, huh? Who wouldn't want to take their lovemaking to the next level by doin' it under a multicolored fountain? Of course, it is important to note that if this bathroom really existed, every single surface would be absolutely RIDDLED with STDs from all the underwater student boinking.

8. Invisibility Cloaks  

Oh, but wait. How are you gonna get around to all these illicit trysts and late-night rendezvous without being seen? Oh, of course, one of the cloaks of complete invisibility that exists in this world. One of those.

9. Love Potions

Okay, let's get real. Because the Harry Potter books were largely written for children, J.K. Rowling had to pretend like Romilda Vane just gave Harry those amortentia-chocolates because she wanted to snuggle with him. But we all know what she was really after. Girl wanted to see if the lightning scar matched the drapes, ifyaknowwhatImean. (Let's acknowledge but not dwell on the fact that altering someone's mental state so that they seemingly consent to being with you is also known as date rape. These books were dark.)

10. Felix Felicis  

Short of an actual love potion, this is the best trick in the book if you're looking to literally get lucky. Pour a little in your pregame rum-and-pumpkin juice and there's basically no way you aren't going home with someone that night. Even if you somehow drink a placebo instead of the real thing, like Ron in Book 6, you'll be so confident that no one will be able to resist your charms (or your potions! God, wizard humor is so funny).


11. Time-Turners 

Now, all the previous magic may enhance your sex life, but none of it will actually make you or your partner BETTER at sex. A Time-Turner, on the other hand, could extend an ordinary person's stamina indefinitely, making them a mindblowingly long-lasting super-lover. Just wait till your partner gets tired of a-pleasurin' you, spin the Time-Turner around your own neck, and be sent back into the past. Now your partner thinks the sex is just starting, so they're refreshed and ready to go, but you're still mid-boot-knock.

12. Transfiguration

Why wasn't everyone in the Harry Potter universe constantly trying to transfigure themselves into someone babelier? Granted, if you aren't a natural metamorphmagi (like Tonks) you have to be pretty skilled to do human transfiguration. But isn't the promise of someday being incredibly hot incentive enough? I mean, if acing advanced math classes could land you firmly within the league of anyone you ever wanted to schtupp, we all would've tried way harder at calculus.



13. Pensieves

Which memories from your life do you most want to relive in vivid Technicolor? The ones where you're being mercilessly mocked by the asshole who's dating the girl whom you love so much that you want to die while staring into eyes that KIND OF look like hers, or the sex ones?

Probably the sex ones, right?