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OH SHIT! UNLIKE UNLIKE UNLIKE!

 

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Uhm, yeah, I loved that photo of your husband being 'one handsome gentleman' in a straw hat pretending to talk to a scarecrow. I deemed it a totally cool pic. I definitely wasn't just scrolling through my feed with my left hand while peeing.

 

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Hmm, not much effort. But I guess I'd be a dick to not like it, right? Ok fine. (Like)

 

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Ok that's REAL weak. Ahhh but I like every post EXCEPT one... (Reluctant-Ass Like)

 

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Gonna do oneeee last perusal of Facebook while I crawl into bed for a nice calm evening of sleep-getting...

Laws of Facebook We've All Broken


Aannnd now I'm gonna sit here awake and mad for the next 70 minutes.

 

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Jeanette's having going-away drinks Friday? Jeanette's moving to LA??? First I've heard of it!! OHHH WAIIIT, so that's what the Event "An American Drinktale: Jenvil Goes West - TWO KAY FIFTEEEN BITCHES 2 Drunk 2 Furious" meant. I just saw the photoshopped pic of Fievel and Vin Diesel holding tallboys and assumed it was some comedy show I was happily skipping.

 

 

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You got off EASY this time, Facebook dude who I don't even know but keeps saying obviously wrong shit and no one's calling him out. ...But I'm keeping this comment on my clipboard in case I change my mind in the next five minutes or get drunker.

 

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NOOOOO, I promise I wasn't looking through your old photos, I was uh... one of them came up in the feed, randomly, like some throwback... something... or it's that weird Facebook algorithm that shows old stuff sometimes, like when someone posts about the Oscars then you don't see it for another couple hours? Haha, that's probably what happened. It just took 4 years for that pic of you in Key West to show up in the live feed. Crazy!

 

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Crap, I don't have any inside jokes for these people. Gotta make some shit up.


"Happy Birthday, Nicole! Hope you enjoyed.... Eastern Michigan University in 2009!"

 

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Time to move this over to Twitter.

 

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Uhoh, I think I somehow unfriended my ex, but we're still on good terms. I can't RE-friend her, cause it'll look like I'm trying to get back together, but if she notices we're not friends, she'll think I intentionally unfollowed her in some angry rage and I'll look even more attached.


What to do, what to do... maybe sending her a lengthy "haha I unfollowed you but TOTALLY by accident" message should help make me look less desperate.

 

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The ultimate Facebook mistake. Now everyone knows who your SUPER ULTRA SECRET CRUSH IS!!!!!!!!! Or just like, your cousin who you were gonna message. But you CAN'T TAKE THAT RISK!!!!!!


Time to delete your Facebook, lay low for 2-7 years, then quietly reactivate it with a slightly different iteration of your name. Oh, also get your face completely surgically altered and sand off your fingertips.


And you're BACK ON FACEBOOK and EVERYTHING'S FINE!! Just hextuple-check what bar you're typing in every single time from now on and you'll be alright.

 

Other Facebook nightmares? Leave 'em in the Comments.