1. When boarding a plane, in the first class section right before you go to coach

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Look at them there - with their big seats, excess legroom, and flight attendants who are probably willing to give them the FULL CAN of Diet Sunkist instead of just pouring half of it into a tiny cup and giving you that. Meanwhile, you're being shoved into the cattle-call of coach, where the bodies are mashed together as closely as they can push 'em - are you gonna trap your fellow coach-ers in the stink of your farts, or are you gonna take a stand against the bourgeois class system and fart in first class right before you move past the curtain?

Hell yeah, farting in first class is the closest you'll ever be to a revolutionary.



2. Under the covers in the midst of a chilly winter's night

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Your farts are an evolutionary gift - they're the best way to warm yourself up on a cold winter's night. Get the covers on nice and tight so nothing can escape, and fart away to your heart's content, heating yourself up like a toasty fireplace in your butthole.

Note: if you're sleeping with a partner, they may not be so chill about this, but - honestly - that's on them.



3. In the shower

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The shower is like Las Vegas - what happens there, stays there. As long as you're thorough enough, when you walk out the shower, you're a new person - fresh and clean and born anew in this world. So - fart away in the shower. Even if you're worried it might be a wet fart, it'll be cleaned away by the soap and water. The shower is like whatever religion you subscribe to - it cleanses you of your farts/sins.

Note: regardless of your farting, you should always thoroughly clean your butthole in the shower, I hope that's understood.



4. Leaving any important thing you just screwed up (job interview, first date)

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You're a huge fuck-up. It's okay, though - we all are. There are meetings we say something stupid in, dates we mess up by making the wrong moves, and general interactions that we just hopelessly screw up on because we're all huge dumb idiots. So, take a little solace in these moments by farting on your way out - after all, you've already made a huge ass of yourself, might as well leave a little of your ass behind.



5. At a restaurant, when scooching past a jerk table

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This primarily works when you're working as a waiter or busboy at a restaurant - when there's an asshole table with noisy people, or people who are complaining a lot, or regulars who you KNOW tip like shit, just scooch past the table and leave a lil fart behind as you scooch. If you're quick 'n quiet enough, they'll be left with a weird stink hovering over them and be none the wiser of who the culprit was.



6. In an elevator (right before you get off)

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When you're having a less-than-great day and need to relieve some aggression AND need to fart, the ideal way to do it is by farting right as you exit an elevator. It's sorta a dick move, but not nearly as harmful as hitting random buttons on the elevator (that will delay future passengers) and it helps you feel good about a few strangers havin' to smell your gross farts for a few moments (which weirdly smell kinda good to you, but that's just a strange evolutionary thing where everyone enjoys the smell of their own farts for some insane reason).

Note: probably don't do this if anyone is ON the elevator at the same time as you are. That's a little too asshole-y.



7. Any private place at work

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Despite farts being hilarious and a great way to stink up the lives of assholes out there, there are moments when our social conscious fires up and compels us to not make friends and co-workers suffer our rancid farts. That's when it's important to have a secret special farting place - a private spot that people don't go, where you can fart without holding anything back.

Ideal spots include:

  • Closets

  • Conference rooms

  • Private bathrooms (duh)

  • Your boss's office when he's out at a meeting

  • Your office's server room (if you have one - pretty ideal because it's a nice temperature, few people are ever in there, and - most importantly - there are fans blowing constantly, to drown out the sound of the fart and sucking away the stink)



8. Some really cool, historic, important place (Mount Rushmore, Lincoln Memorial)

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There's nothing quite like standing before some important, historical location, taking a moment to soak in the majesty of the sight, and then letting loose a real wet fart. Sure, the Grand Canyon is an incredible piece of nature, but don't let its magnificence make you lose your sense of humor and forget that farts are the funniest when things have taken a turn for the serious.

As Krusty the Klown said, "the pie gag only works when the sap's got dignity."



9. In any quiet space when you've given up any hope of ever hooking up with anyone

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Here's the big thing about farts - they are hilarious. However, they're still kinda gross, so you need to balance the hilarity-to-grossness scale as best you can. So - if you've ever given up on hooking up with people around you, the best time to fart is during a quiet serious moment - while you're in class taking a test, in church, or sitting at your desk at work - a loud fart helps break up the quiet dullness and will make everyone laugh, but will at the same time make everyone think you're sorta gross.



10. Wherever you want :)

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Farting is nature's gift to us - a strange sensation of warmth, expelling gas, and relief. We all do it, and it's a necessary part of existence. Don't be ashamed of your farts - let them fly when you feel the time is right. Life is too short to hold in farts and live in discomfort.

Follow your heart, let loose your fart.