Hey there fellow internet millennial scum--it's established science that no one likes their jobs and almost everyone loves the internet. What if we told you, you could make money online with some of them newfangled work from home internet jobs? Unlike your grandfather who 'worked hard' to 'support a family' and 'defeat the Nazi menace', you don't have to be a sucker thanks to the incredible digital gigs below.
1. Sell Your Hair Like An Animal
This guy could be an internet hair MILLIONAIRE.
Are you a degenerate monster who hasn't gone to the barber in months? Maybe you've just got the natural, silky locks of a young John Stamos. In either case, the exciting world of digital hair sales might be right up your alley!
Sure, charitable organizations like Locks of Love are on the lookout for hair donations, but perfectly reputable online human hair marketplaces like HairSellon.com are willing to pay cold hard cash for your greasy locks. Out of the way cancer patients! You're an internet entrepreneur now--time (and hair, apparently?) is money baby!
Hairsellon.com's patented hair value calculator. No, we won't ask what 'virgin hair' is.
2. Look At OR For Porn
This man is almost certainly not wearing pants.
Odds are you are literally looking at porn right now, the only question is: are you getting paid for it? If the answer is no, slap yourself right in the mouth, then click you fool--click until your humanity is but a faint rumor in a withered heart.
As it turns out bestpaypornsites.net (seriously don't click that link while even thinking about your job) will actually pay you $3.50 for every 600 words you can string together like a gibbering sex ape to review porn sites. Protip: the gibbering sex ape category is in desperate need of a discerning wordsmith.
Alternatively, if you'd like to patrol the dirty byways of the 'net for smut like a sadder, digital hall monitor, sites like crowdflower.com will actually crowd source mobs of virginal rubes to scrub social media platforms for NSFW stuff. Remember when tumblr was basically just a writhing mass of hentai gifs? Thanks for ruining that.
3. Make Money Off of Pokemon Go
Now you can work from ANYWHERE!
Pokemon Go is like the gold rush of our time, but instead of grizzled men braving the hills in search of a mineral fortune, hordes of pasty troglodytes have emerged from their sunless lairs to search for invisible and worthless 'poke-men'. Fortunately for you, the economics of the analogy still hold true: don't mine for gold, sell the pickaxes.
4. Embrace Chaos, Take Surveys, Sell Your Browser History
RIP Jack Nicholson
It turns out that the occult crime scene that is your browser history might actually be an asset. Why let sketchy anti-virus companies like AVG have all the fun?
Companies like Prolific Academic, which normally hosts legitimate crowdsourced data collection projects, also occasionally hosts some sketchier jobs like the one below, where you can earn straight chedd' for your filthy internet secrets. /U/Tempothrow has the dirt:
Two quid (approximately $2.60 USD) might not seem like a lot to open the pandora's box of your most gruesome fetishes, but this is all about supply and demand and we all know there's plenty more where that came from.
5. Click on Ads Until You Literally Die
You can tell by the sarong and laptop combo that this lady is a true digital nomad.
Are the last vestiges of human dignity dragging you down? Maybe you've just always dreamt of getting in the ground (technically sub-basement) floor of an internet marketing pyramid scheme.
Well, now's your shot! Sites like Pocketmoneygpt and Grabpoints will pay you to click on endless lists of ads and links and help hasten the end of western civilization as we know it. Each click earns you an exorbitant fraction of a cent, so you're merely a few hundred clicks away from a happy hour beer.
If you're looking to practice you can start by engaging with your favorite Corporate-Brands™ right here on CollegeHumor dot com. Seriously. Please click on our ads, we haven't eaten in days and the lights have begun to dim.