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Here's the thing - for several decades, Donald Trump wasn't "Presidential Candidate Donald Trump." For most of his public life, he was "weirdo billionaire with stupid-looking hair Donald Trump." He was known for behaving like the rich guy from Gilligan's Island but for real, hosting a shitty reality show, and being America's most famous birther.



He also had a surprisingly active (and bizarre) Twitter presence, at least for a billionaire who supposedly had better things to do with his time. He would tweet pretty consistently, and in the same bizarre manner he does now - self-aggrandizing, bragging, insulting others, complaining about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's doomed romance. Ya know, regular stuff.

That's why it didn't seem like too big a deal when I started tweeting at him, asking him to describe his pubic hair. I didn't think I would be doing this to someone who would ever be taken seriously - he was Donald Trump! It would be like Rob Schneider running for president in a few years - he was supposed to be a weirdo creep who no one took seriously, so if you tweeted goofy shit at him, it was no big deal (full disclosure: I am blocked from following Rob Schneider on Twitter because I kept tweeting "makin' copies" at him).

Anyways, I was curious what Donald Trump's pubes looked like several years ago - so I figured if I tweeted at him enough, I might elicit SOME kind of response from him (note: while my Twitter handle is "PubeGoldberg", it is generally not pube-focused. Really, it only is in regards to Donald Trump's pubes). Trump's head-hair is a bizarre riddle wrapped in an enigma - it doesn't QUITE seem like a toupee, nor hairplugs, but SOMETHING'S OFF. Look at this legitimately baffling photo of his hair from behind:

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I can't figure out what the deal is, and it's very unlikely you can either. But pubes are a little simpler - I can grasp someone's pubes (metaphorically). So I tweeted at him often, not intending to make a political statement or anything - he was just a weirdo reality star goofball with dumb hair and I wanted to see if he'd share any details regarding his pubic hair.


























Granted, this was very childish of me - asking a total stranger about their pubes. But it started 3 years ago when Donald Trump was solely a reality show personality who wasn't supposed to be taken seriously - now there's a greater-than-zero chance Donald Trump will be our next president. And, frankly, I don't want to have a record of tweeting the President about his pubes. After today, I will never tweet at Donald Trump about his pubes ever again.

...but I still feel the desire to know the truth. After all, the quest for knowledge is inherent in the human experience. And what  greater knowledge exists in our small pocket of the galaxy than the true nature of Donald Trump's pubes?

So, with no further ado, here is my final, last ditch effort and figuring out what Donald Trump's pubes actually look like. I will never tweet at him again regarding his pubes. I've challenged him to confirm the accuracy of the image (through silence) or to finally provide real hard evidence about his pubes to prove me wrong.

If you would like to retweet the image (or send it to Mr. Trump yourself), that is completely up to you. But now I must rest, and not tweet a Presidential candidate about his weird pubes.



Thank you, kind reader.







PS - if any of you know how to get Rob Schneider to unblock me, please tell me, or tweet at Rob Schneider and tell him Pube Goldberg says "makin copieeees".