Dear People Who Make Porn,

Us little ol ladies are familiar with your work -- we like to watch naked people mash genitalia too!  You've been so kind as to include "Female Friendly" sections on sites, which outright admits that all other porn is hostile towards women. We've seen the new breed of "romantic" and "art" porn. Your attempts are cute, but you are still STICKING THE DESIRES OF HALF THE POPULATION INTO A FEW LITTLE SUBGENRES.

undefined

Here's 12 ways to make porn more appealing for 51% of the population (or at least a good portion of that 51) : 



Changes Porn Could Make To Be Better For Women

A dude repetitively stabs his penis in a woman without ANY clitoral stimulation and you expect us to believe her lusty screams? Nope. Why would we want to project ourselves onto a human fleshlight that's getting pounded away?

A silent but real 15 second orgasm over a 30 minute vocal performance is way sexier any day.



undefined

Let us see/hear the dude too. We wanna know he's enjoying himself and not just working for a paycheck here. And he doesn't need to always be The All-Knowing Master of Sex God -- it's okay if he communicates with his partner.



undefined

There might be a time and place to see dudes cumming on a woman's face and to watch her choking on a giant dick, but it's certainly not every single porn vid.

Telltale signs a dude watches too much porn because there's no way any normal human would do this to another human on their own accord: when he gets a blowjob, he puts his hands up behind his head like he's a fuckin' king sunbathing on private beach .. or, even worse, when he puts his hands on the back of his partner's head while she's going down on him.

Come on, dudes. And not on our faces.

 

undefined

No close-up penis in vagina shots. We don't want to be reminded how we are all disgusting animals plugging and chugging away and how any porn is actually just a poorly-made human nature documentary.

undefined

Lesbians, bi and queer women watch porn too. Ask any one of them how often they get off by scissoring. They will probably say "Fuck off, why are you asking me about my sex life?" but the answer is never. Plus, straight women aren't freaked out by lesbian porn like you are (or at least pretend to be) by gay porn. Some even prefer it because, believe it or not, our favorite part about sex is not your dick.



undefined

You know who's into the kinkiest shit? People with repressed sexualities. You know who's told their whole lives to repress their sexuality? Women. Many of us are into some weird shit, at least on a fantasy level.

Porn is supposed to show sexual fantasies, but the [clothes off - blow job - sex position 1 - sex position 2 - sex position 3 - cum on her tum] formula dominates the market. Yawn.

We know there's lots of weird stuff out there, but the actual plot lines are lacking. Give us weirder environments, more spontaneity, just some sort of situation before the fucking. And yes, as Broad City so notably addressed -- let's see a straight woman pegging a straight dude because, hey, they're equal sex partners and that's sexy.



undefined

Not necessarily more dialogue or more romance, just more ACTUALLY POSSIBLE situations/relationships. We know you're not working with the best actors but actually consider the transition from cable guy "just checkin' the cable box" to why that woman is giving him head.

Don't confuse this with making it longer though... Give us a good line and two of dialogue, some believable set-up, and then get to the fucking. We want to get in, get off, then get out just as quick as dudes too.

 

undefined

Sex is weird and sometimes silly and, yes, very very sexy but we want to see all of it. Like when two flabby bodies smush together to make a fart noise -- can we see a couple laughing at that?



undefined

Ingrown hairs are a real pain. BUSH 2016.

Not every dude needs to have a big ol' scary hairless monster dick.

Not all ladies need fake boobs. And not all of them need fake nails ...actually probably none of them need those, ouchie ouch ouch.



undefined

I don't know how this would actually be implemented, but I'd be willing to pay money and be cool with my boyfriend's porn subscription if there was some way to verify that the money wasn't sponsoring gross dudes taking advantage of young women. Gimme some of that FDA-approved free-range, organic porn please.  

 

undefined

Don't be the Oscars here, guys. There's no better way to find out what women want than to actually hire women to tell you want they want and then give them the power to put that business on our computer screens.

 

undefined

WHAT IS THE PORN INDUSTRY'S OBSESSION WITH CUM. A man jizzing is the NOT the natural end for every sexual experience. Female ejaculation, a dude not ejaculating, a dude ejaculating in a condom instead of on a woman, participants stopping abruptly and saying "Wanna watch Arrested Development reruns now?"  ... all these endings are a-okay as long as it's fun to watch!

Give ladies some sex things to watch and not have to imagine around the existing ones, and we'll give you lots o' money. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE BUSINESS TIPS.

 

Images courtsey of Shutterstock.com.