After one of the most harrowing and dispiriting election seasons in recent memory, I've come to a conclusion that I should have seen as inevitable months ago - I will not be voting for Donald Trump this November due to his blatant disregard for basic decency, his over-the-top ignorance of key issues, and because I don't totally get how registering to vote works and I've got a lot going on this fall so I'm probably not gonna take the time to figure it out.

1. His refusal to release his tax returns should make everyone nervous.


Releasing your tax returns is a simple process: you ask your dad for your tax returns from whatever year (or are they monthly? Not totally sure), he sends you the TurboTax file, you tell him "I don't know how to open this", he sends you the .pdf the next day, and you're done. It's that simple. What's so complicated about releasing basic government forms? I would never be able to vote for someone so clearly hiding potentially major bombshells in their tax returns.

I would also never be able to vote for anyone, because I'm like 90% sure it's too late to register? Also, how do you know where to register? I live in New York now, but my driver's license is from Indiana. Do I have to fly back to Indiana in November to vote? I don't really have time for that, so probably not worth even looking into.


2. His constant contradictions make it feel like he's just an opportunist who will say anything to get power


Donald Trump's policy stances seem to change like the wind - sometimes he'll be extremely anti-immigrant, then he'll say he's pro-immigration. He says he'll go after hedge fund guys, but then he stacks his economic team with the very same hedge fund guys. Someone who stands for nothing will fall for everything, as the saying goes. It would be comforting if he would just pick some positions and stick to them - like when I told my dad there was no way I would be paying to see Suicide Squad after hearing about how much the studio cut out my boy Jared Leto from the movie. And I followed through - I illegally downloaded a Suicide Squad torrent and paid nothing. It's that kind of steadfastness and firmness I want in the presidential candidate I vote for.

Of course, I couldn't even figure out how to get registered to vote for the primary. I thought voting was, like, an American right in the constitution or something and it would be cool if I just showed up at the voting place and voted. Shouldn't that be how it works? It's kinda un-American to make me fill out a million complicated forms just to vote (at least, I assume it's like a million, I'm too busy re-watching The Sopranos right now to go to city hall or the Congress building or whatever and find out).


3. His general indecency could have disastrous diplomatic effects


We're talking about a man who said he didn't respect John McCain because he was a POW, a man who repeatedly insulted and made insinuations against a Gold Star family, a man who mocked a disabled reporter in front of thousands of people like it was no big deal. This is not someone I want representing my country - we have to hold our presidential candidates to a higher standard if they want to earn our votes.

Speaking of indecent, the gay-ass cops arrested me for "indecent exposure" and "resisting arrest" just because I was taking a piss outside of Arby's. Uh, what was I supposed to do, Officer Shitbrains? Hold in the piss and have my bladder explode and then die from a busted bladder? Yeah, makes a LOT of sense, idiot. Also "resisting arrest" is a bullshit charge, literally everyone resists at least a little. Why don't you arrest me for BREATHING or something.

But yo since I'm in a government building with government computers 'n shit, can you add my name to the voting register thing? What do you mean "that's not how that works"? YOU GOT A GOVERNMENT COMPUTER, YOU'RE A COP, YOU CAN PULL SOME STRINGS. Aww fuck you dude.

4. He never thinks before he acts


Frankly, Trump is too impulsive to be president - combined with his notorious thin-skinnedness, things could turn disastrous very quickly. He can barely handle any criticism at all without going on weeklong Twitter rants and screaming insults at rallies - is this someone we can trust with nuclear weapons? Can anyone give this man their vote on November 8th  and have a clear conscience?

Also, November 8th is a Tuesday, and I'm usually nursing a pretty wicked hangover on Tuesdays from getting blitzed at Chuckie's every Monday on peach schnapps and Mike's Hards and usually wind up passing out at the Denny's near Marina's house. So, like, even if I was a vote-guy, I'd probably have too much shit goin' on to make it to the vote-place (which is...Washington DC maybe? Does everyone have to travel to Washington DC to vote? Shit, that would suck, no way I'm doin' that.)

5. He's not taking any of this seriously


Trump refuses to understand the real weight of this election - the future of the free world hangs in the balance, and he reportedly has no interest in actually doing the work of President if he is to win. We need someone who understands how deathly serious the job of President is and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with it.

And this is why I cannot vote for Donald Trump. Or anyone, because I'm not registered, and I'm pretty sure you can't vote if you've been arrested. And I definitely can't vote if I'm stuck in jail because my dad keeps refusing to post my bail COME ON DAD THIS IS THE LAST TIME I SWEAR.