We're all lonely and awkward and full of regrets - but articulating it like that is sad and painful. Thankfully, the internet gods created Twitter to address this very issue - so that we could use those 140 characters to make self-deprecating, relatable jokes to hide the pain of existence.
friend: how are things?-- keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
How to adult:-- Tony (@Tmoney68) December 29, 2015
At work? Want to go home.
At home? Want to do something.
Doing something? Want to be in bed.
In bed? Don't sleep.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.-- Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) June 15, 2012
Movies:"Of course I recognize you, in 2009 we exchanged a glance"-- Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) July 4, 2016
Real life:"apparently that chatty old lady in the elevator was my grandma"
my parents, at 27: married, with a kid-- Alex Manley (@alex_icon) August 24, 2016
me, at 27: i prefer ordering pizza Online so i don't have to ever interact with a human person
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?-- chuuch (@ch000ch) April 30, 2016
HER: no not yet!! i'm totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[at applebee's bar]-- Mastodan (@dannyhottubs) March 25, 2015
Bartender: Hey man how's it goin?
Me: Oh hi my life is fantastic that's why I'm at the Applebee's bar.
I want to feel about anything the way dogs feel about Outside-- Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) December 21, 2012
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult-- pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015
me: im a pretty laid back guy-- Mike F (@mikefossey) January 18, 2015
doctor: actually Mike you have three different diseases from stress and another two from handling it so poorly
So much of my adult life has been spent pretending I wasn't going for a high five-- nina gann (@ninatreemonkey) January 20, 2016
what about watching eight dog riding skateboard videos in a row makes youtube ads think i'm in any position in life to buy a fucking lexus-- rob whisman (@robwhisman) April 10, 2016