Kissing Tips From a 13 Year Old Who Has Totally Smooched Mondo Babes

Hey what's up fellow kiss-doers and sex-havers of the world. It's me, ya boy Chaxler, back to school all the non-kiss-doers out there on how to do smooches correctly in order to get all the babes in your area. Previously I explained all the tips and tricks you needed to do sex real good, but now it's time to get the make-out tips you need to get to fourth base (the sex one).

1. Make sure you just ate something good tasting in case the babe sticks her tongue in your mouth during the kiss


When you kiss a babe, she will often put her tongue in your mouth. Gross sounding, I know, but it's actually pretty cool and good. What would make it not cool or good would be if she stuck her tongue in your mouth and she tasted something gross, like salad or whole wheat toast. Make sure you eat something good first, like mint gum or Cool Ranch Doritos or Funyuns or a Mike's Hard Lemonade (if you're old enough heh heh)

2. Practice kissing on something that's not your family dog


Trust me, your mom and dad will be extremely mad at you if they come home and see you kissing Snuffles. Oh so when Snuffles licks your face that's "cute" and "sweet" but when I PRACTICE kissing on Snuffles that's "concerning" and "inappropriate" and I have to "see a psychiatrist"? Bullshit. However, to be safe, you should practice your kissing techniques on non-dog things, like a face you made out of your little sister's Legos or your computer screen with a picture of a babe on it or the neighbor's dog when they're out of town on vacation in Phoenix.

3. Don't smooch the babe too hard or else she'll be embarrassed that she's not able to smooch that hard


Smooching hard is good and awesome because it shows how much you care and how prepared you are for the smooching. However, many babes will not be ready for this level of smooching because they're not as good at it as you are and so they will say "hey you're smooching me too hard" and you'll say "sorry babe, I'm pretty advanced" and she'll say "I'm a virgin I'm not that good at smooches yet" and you'll say "I have done sex fifty times and therefore am very good at smooches" and she'll basically faint from being so horny because of how awesome you are.

But now she fainted and you have to wait for her to wake up before you can do any more smooches, so you just have to play Smash Bros. on your 3DS for like an hour.

4. When making out with a girl, keep your hands busy by undoing her bra and underpants


Kissing is great but there's a problem: what do you do with your hands? Your lips and tongue and teeth are busy with the smooching, but your hands basically have nothing going on yet and it's weird if you put your hands in your pockets during a smooch session. So instead, what you do is keep your hands warmed up by undoing the babe's bra and underpants. And if you've got fast hands (like a seasoned vet at smooching and sex like me) spend the rest of the make out time doing complicated math equations to impress her like Matt Damon in the janitor movie.

5. Make cool romantic noises during the smooch


When you're making out with a hot babe and not making romantic kiss-style noises, it might get weird cuz no one is talking (even if there is romantic music playing, like Blink-182). So you gotta remember to make loud smooch noises during the kiss, like "MMMmmmmMMMMmmmmhhhhmmmm" and "Oohhhhooooohhhh" and that sorta thing. She'll think to herself "wow, he's making good smooch noises, he must be loving this smooch session" and you'll think to yourself "yes I am actually, hot babe."

6. Find a comfortable place to smooch, like an awesome race car or a hot tub shaped like a heart


The smooching will only be as good as the place you're smooching - so make sure you've got a comfortable place for both you and the hot babe to sit while you two engage in some tongue-sex (the cool name for making out). Ideally a nice comfy spot like the inside of a race car with flame decals on the outside or in a hot tub shaped like a heart are pretty awesome spots, in my opinion.

7. Kissing is important and magical - a sign of a passion that is unique amongst primates. While things like sexual intercourse are biological necessities for the continued existence of a species, kissing is essentially useless...except it reinforces bonds of romance. Which begs the question - what would be the point of life if we did not have love?


There are things in life that are unquantifiable and beyond description - and the feeling of a first kiss is chief amongst them. That electric, inflamed, soaring, weightless feeling of two lips interlocking and finally shattering the amorous tension that had built to an unsustainable level. Is there anything grander?

8. The best time to end the smooch is when the babe says "I wanna smooch your dick now instead, with my boobs and my vagina"

When a babe says that, that means she's done with the regular smooching and is ready for upgraded-smooching.....aka "sex" - when a babe smooches your weiner with her boobs and vagina. And while regular smooching is very good, upgraded smooching is way more good.