1. Lowering the volume during Spotify ads


Time to stick it to the man....by lowering these Spotify ad spots so they still play, but I don't actually listen to them. I'm basically a Mr. Robot-style hacker, making a fool of a giant corporation, by continuing to not pay for music and only being mildly inconvenienced for like a minute or two after every 4 Carly Rae Jepsen songs.


2. Downvoting a heavily upvoted post on Reddit


Ohhhh so this Today I Learned link is getting crazy upvotes JUST because it's super interesting and discussion-worthy, but my cute photo of my dog got stuck at 1 lousy upvote?! The system is rigged, so ya know what I'm gonna do? DOWNVOTE THE MOST POPULAR POST OF THE DAY ON REDDIT (at the exact same time thousands of other people around the world are excitedly upvoting it, thus nullifying my spite-downvote over and over).

Boom! Enjoy THAT karma, whoever submitted that insanely popular link.

3. Saying 'this ad is not relevant to me' when it TOTALLY was on Hulu


C'mon, Hulu - you've gotten away with your crappy ads interrupting these Seinfeld reruns for too long. And just because your ad for HP was totally perfect and relevant for me (I really need a new computer) I'm supposed to reward YOU for your intelligently designed ad algorithm? BULLSHIT. I'm gonna tell you this ad was NOT relevant to me...even though it was spot-on.

Now PLEASE can we get on with the episode and see George and Susan get married?


4. I don't like a really good Facebook post because I'm jealous I didn't think of it first


Damn - that joke about Donald Trump was REALLY solid. Like, a really original take (pretty rare for Trump jokes) and truly insightful. Really, just an expertly composed Facebook post....THAT I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF, BUT LIKE MAYBE A DAY OR TWO LATER AND WORDED A LITTLE MORE AWKWARDLY. I've totally kinda thought of something like that joke, but now THIS IDIOT is getting all the credit? Well, even though I really respect and enjoy it, I'm NOT gonna hit the Like button...or even the cry-laughing emoji.

I will comment "lmao" though, because I'm not a monster.

5. Continually reloading a Youtube page because there's an unskippable ad


Listen, the max I will watch of ANY ad on Youtube is 5 seconds, and even then I'll be hovering over the Skip Ad button the entire time. If you DARE try to present me with a full :30 second ad (or - god forbid - an entire minute long) in exchange for me being able to watch unlimited free videos, I've got an ace in my sleeve: I'll just reload the page until I get a skippable ad. Usually this takes me about 31 seconds (and then another 5 seconds of watching the skippable ad), but at least I won't have to watch a full Geico commercial.


6. Swipe left on someone superhot on Tinder because you just KNOW everyone swipes right on them


Look at this person - they're beautiful, seem intelligent (multiple pics of them in hospital scrubs and mention of being a med student), lots of subtle Simpsons references in their bio. They're basically the ideal person you'd wanna go on a date with...which is what EVERYONE thinks when they see them. Meanwhile, I'm lucky to get a right swipe once a week (should I remove "Militant Atheist" from my bio or include pictures of me where I'm not brandishing a katana? NEVER).

So ya know what? I'm gonna SWIPE LEFT on this attractive, interesting person. Sure, they'll prrrobably never know it, but I'll know that someone finally TOOK THEM DOWN A NOTCH.

Although oh shit what if they swiped right on me and I coulda had a shot with her??? OH GODDAMMIT I DO THIS EVERY TIME.