1. Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: "Poor Zac Efron - as one of the most attractive human beings on Earth, he just CAN'T find a date!"
Here's a premise for ya: Zac Efron needs to find a nice date for an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii for his sister's wedding...AND HE CAN'T FIND ANYONE. Reminder - Zac Efron looks like this:
He (and his brother, played by Adam DeVine, who is perfectly fine looking himself) is so desperate to find a "respectable" date that he posts a Craigslist ad and eventually goes on the Wendy Williams show since he's just completely unable to find a good enough date.
Again, Zac Efron:
Now, while the movie is "inspired by a true story," I can confirm neither of the dudes who inspired this look like Zac Efron. Because - if they did - they would also be starring in movies about how Zac Efron somehow CANNOT FIND A DATE FOR A FREE TRIP TO HAWAII. It's hard to imagine a less relatable premise - one of the most handsome people on the planet just CANNOT find a date for a free trip to fucking HAWAII. What's next? Mila Kunis as a dumpy mom?
2. Sex Tape: "It's just that normal, relatable experience that happens after you've been giving out iPads like candy."
Speaking of unrelatable premises: SEX TAPE. It could have been such a simple (and nearly relatable) premise - a couple makes a sex tape, loses track of it, and scramble to get it back! The problem is technology, though - who records video on anything other than a digital device these days? It's not like you're recording it on an actual tape that could go missing? You'd probably record it on your phone or....perhaps even your brand new Apple iPad!
And that's where things get stupid - apparently this couple (Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz) have been literally GIVING AWAY IPADS to friends and neighbors as gifts over the years. What a normal thing to do - giving away $600 apiece tablets! That's not at all a totally unrelatable weird rich people-only thing. So yeah, the entire movie is predicated on the fact that this couple were just handing out iPads like they were Tic-Tacs and not understanding how "the cloud" works.
But it gets better - once they've managed to track down all but one copy of their eponymous sex tape, someone threatens to upload it to the internet....specifically one porn site, YouPorn. So the couple literally tries to destroy all of YouPorn's actual physical servers in order to prevent the blackmail scheme...AS IF YOUPORN IS THE ONLY PORN SITE ON THE INTERNET OR SOMETHING? Hate to break this to you, Hollywood, but 70% of the internet is nothing but porn - and there are a LOT of other porn sites out there for the kid to upload their shitty sex tape to.
This movie feels like it was written by a crazy rich hermit who hadn't interacted with normal people in decades and had a strange fetish for all Apple products...which actually describes a LOT of rich people in Silicon Valley.
3. The Huntsman - Winter's War: "Let's make a Snow White sequel, except without Snow White!"
You have to be REALLY desperate to make a sequel to your Snow White re-imagining movie and have it EXPLICITLY not include Snow White - it'd be like making a sequel to The Jungle Book and not including the jungle. And you have to be even MORE desperate to decide to focus on "The Huntsman" as the lead character, who is like the 11th character anyone thinks of when they think of Snow White. And yet, this actually happened - and bombed at the box office (shockingly!).
Due to whatever behind-the-scenes issues went on in the first film, Snow White & The Huntsman (the big scandal being a brief affair between star Kristen Stewart and director Rupert Sanders), the studio decided they really wanted to move forward with a sequel but wanted to exclude the main character and biggest marketing tool possible. How did they overcome this? By ripping off Frozen.
The plotline literally becomes the evil queen from the first film (who died, btw) has a sister with magic winter-y superpowers, who - in an emotional outburst - reveals her secret ice powers and flees to build her own castle somewhere else. It's 100% a dramatic reimagining of Frozen, but without the charm or music or reason for existing.
4. Jurassic World: "Let's try to do the same thing that failed every previous time, except with a serial killer dinosaur!"
The 'Jurassic' franchise is uniquely difficult to justify sequels to, because each one more or less requires that no one learned anything from the previous film. The lesson is ALWAYS "don't mess with dinosaurs," and then the sequel has the premise of some characters being like "Hmmmm, but what if we tried messing with dinosaurs again?" And Jurassic World somehow makes the very premise even stupider.
Somehow, against all odds, they've finally created a working, functional dinosaur park! Which is great 'n all, but there's a problem: attendance is dipping, and they figure they need a new, crazy dinosaur to attract crowds again. And so they genetically engineer THE MOST MURDEROUS DINOSAUR POSSIBLE. And they do this ON PURPOSE. Despite THREE previous Jurassic Park movies where just the REGULAR dinosaurs went on crazy rampages and proved impossible to control.
Of course, the giant superevil murder dinosaur gets on the loose almost immediately and murders a whole bunch of people and causes inordinate amounts of chaos...because OF COURSE IT WOULD. They genetically-engineered the Dexter of dinosaurs and didn't really create any failsafes in case things went bad - which, again, they ALWAYS DO IN ANY JURASSIC PARK MOVIE.
At least Jimmy Buffett got out safe.
5. God's Not Dead 2: "The most persecuted people in the country are definitely Christians!"
God's Not Dead 1 is one of the stupidest films of all-time, envisioning an alternate universe pretending to be the normal world we all live in, except Christians are a persecuted minority whose faith is constantly under siege by angry, godless liberal atheists who control everything. Forget the fact that over 40% of Americans say they would never vote for an atheist ever on principle alone and the fact that the vast majority of government representatives identify as Christians - in the world of God's Not Dead (and its sequel), Atheists are callin' the shots.
Not only that, but the idea of "separation of church and state" is viewed as a cruel liberal plot to destroy Christians instead of, uh, one of the fundamental values of America and for some reason there's a prosecutor who's out to prove (vis a vis a trial about a teacher who quoted the Bible in class) that God is literally dead.
And yes, before you ask, there IS a cameo from Mike Huckabee.