We've thought long and hard about who to throw our weight behind in this contentious presidential election of 2016. It's hard to recall a time where our nation was more divided than it is today - so, in endorsing a candidate, we wanted to take our time and truly ponder what would be best for our country.
So, after much deliberation and internal debate, we have formally decided to give our endorsement to Donlary Clintrump, the horrible amalgamated fusion of the worst aspects of both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton that will surely destroy us all and provide a merciful end to our suffering.
While both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have passionate supporters that are quick to tell you the positive attributes of their candidate of choice, it's pretty clear that - by and large - our country would be much better off with a nightmare Lovecraftian beast that is willing to do what no other candidate can promise: to bring Americans into a prosperous future of nonexistence and death.
Donlary Clintrump is a creature from beyond the stars, who emcompasses all the most unsavory aspects of each candidate - Trump's racism and sexism and bloviating ignorance, Clinton's secrecy and hawkishness - into a mass of unimaginable flesh and bone that will induce madness and horror in any being who looks upon its unholy face. And after an 18 month election cycle that seems both neverending and nauseating, Donlary Clintrump will provide a welcome end to the possibility that this could ever happen again.
Just look at Donlary Clintrump's positions, and try to argue that This Cursed Being is not the best choice for president: