Truer tweets have never been tweeted.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.-- Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 29, 2012
Dating is like trying to find a piece of hay in a needlestack-- Shea (@sheastrauss) October 23, 2016
The strawberry ice cream in the Neapolitan container is engineered inferior to that which is sold separately. People know. They do nothing.-- Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) December 2, 2016
I'm alive, but like...only literally-- Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) November 30, 2016
Interview: Do you speak any other languages?-- Bree Bop (@breeinthestee) January 21, 2016
Me: I'm fluent in sarcasm and GIFs.
It makes me sad that I'll never know what cilantro tastes like to people who like cilantro-- Willie Muse (@Williesillie2) December 2, 2016
It's always funny when babies don't like someone cuz they barely know how to eat but can fully know "nah fuck this dude"-- Ryan Creamer (@ryguyguyry) November 24, 2016
When you order McDonalds they should give you a second bag so you can put one over your head when you walk down the street with their food-- Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) December 2, 2016
My favorite yoga position is lying in bed screaming-- Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) December 2, 2016
*someone hands me a baby*-- moody monday (@mdob11) April 25, 2014
Oh... no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I just want to not care about anything as much as that old lady at the mall who lit up a cigar.-- Lorie (@LorieGZ) November 14, 2016
My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I'd listened to.-- De Nada Donna (@Donna_McCoy) November 29, 2016