We've all been there: You want to say something funny, but you can't think of anything. What are you supposed to do, develop a sense of humor unique to your personality? Of course not. Don't bother trying to summon the courage. Here are ten great jokes that you - or anyone! - can make in order to delight your peers and prove how funny you truly are.
1. If Someone Compares A Person To A Very Bad Thing, Say "That's Not Fair...To [Very Bad Thing]"
Do you see what you did there? You made it sound like it was unfair to compare Marc in the sales department to Adolf Hitler because Marc's transgressions pale in comparison to the atrocities perpetrated by Hitler. But then you revealed that it was unfair to Hitler because Marc's ability to wedge his sales numbers into any conversation is actually more irritating to you than genocide! This is a very funny thing to do and you should do it whenever possible.
2. Refer To Anything Slightly Unusual As "Hipster"
"What are these, hipster shoes?" you say, looking at a pair of slippers. Everyone around you bursts into tears of laughter because they know that a Hipster - an easily definable type of person that is in no way a stereotype or a catch-all for anything slightly unfamiliar - would totally wear something that is similar to shoes. Minutes later, as the laughter finally dies down, you pull a container of salted caramel gelato out of the freezer and say "what is this, hipster ice cream?"
3. Mirthless Portmanteau
Take two words that share a syllable and slam them together. It doesn't matter if it makes any sense. Quranvil is a Quran shaped like an anvil? Sure! That's funny. Broom service is room service that brings brooms instead of food? Great joke.
4. Women Are Crazy
Isn't that hilarious? If you're a woman, you can include yourself in this statement for added humor. Make sure to say "I'm a woman, and even I think women are crazy!" so everyone knows you're one of the good ones.
5. Refer To Any Bag That A Man Carries As A Purse
Ask your briefcase-carrying friend "what's in your purse?" This will show him that you're a lot of fun and also that his masculinity is inadequate. This might seem like a mean-spirited joke, but if your friend doesn't want to be made fun of, he shouldn't carry around a dainty little lady bag full of books that you've never read.
6. Say "Canadia" Instead Of "Canada"
Foreign countries are a great joke!
7. Say That Something That Is Not An Animal Is Your Spirit Animal
Bill Murray, Elizabeth Warren's Twitter account, coconut water ... any of these nouns can be your spirit animal! Never ever explain why.
8. Say That A Busty Woman Has "Big...Eyes"
Women have breasts, that's for sure. So why won't anyone acknowledge it? You could run around pointing at every woman's chest and yelling "TITS" and you'd be right. But wouldn't it be even funnier if you almost referenced a woman's prominent mammaries... and then didn't?
Make sure you pause for comedic effect. This works even better if you're commenting on a photo of a woman on the internet, because then everyone can see that you typed an ellipsis (so they'll know you're being hilarious on purpose!).
9. If Someone Uses An Acronym, Reply With A Bunch Of Unrelated Acronyms
"I need to get a little RnR," your exhausted friend tells you. In a response so quick it must be witty, you reply "Well I need to get a little PCP! I used to have AOL!" Your exhausted friend will laugh, because these are, in fact, also acronyms.
10. Reference Something From A Comic Book, Then Call Anyone Who Understands It A Nerd
Comic books are getting increasingly popular. Perhaps you've heard people joking about them and would like to try your hand at it. Say something like "Why doesn't Bruce Wayne just invest money in his community instead of beating up poor people?" Then, when someone who has actually read a Batman comic responds "there have been literally dozens of storylines addressing this," you say, "whatever, nerd."
Comics are for nerds, and that's not at all a tired, outdated perspective. Nevermind that you were trying to dip your toe into the nerd water. Your toe got cold and you're entitled to lash out! But in a funny way, which is: saying the word "nerd".
11. Make a Reference To Prison Rape/Dropping The Soap
A celebrity is going to jail? Quick, be the first person to blurt "HE'D BETTER NOT DROP THE SOAP!" People everywhere will enjoy your wry trivialization of brutal non-consensual sex brought about by our country's amorally high rate of incarceration. You are funny.