Not long ago, I wrote an article that I will probably have some level of regret over til the end of my days: 9 Reasons Why Babies Are Bullshit. It was very tongue-in-cheek and jokey and not-at-all serious, but about a year later, I actually had a baby of my own....and I gotta say, I think I may have been wrong and too dismissive of babies.

Because babies are actually AWESOME. Here's why:

1. Sleep all the time LIKE A BOSS


Here's the thing about babies: they are sleepy as hell. Babies are the chillest bros on the planet, sleeping at pretty much every and any opportunity. They're basically living the life we all wish we could - sleeping all day, eating a ton, and not getting up to poop.

But for real - babies sleep (on average) 18 hours a day. They sleep pretty much wherever you stick 'em, because that's how damn chill they are. Hell, they'll even fall asleep WHILE BEING FED. They're livin' that nap-life all day, every day.

2. Shit wherever they feel like AND get other people to clean them


Babies don't give a f*** about bathrooms OR basic hygiene - they freely pee and shit in their diapers without a moment's pause. If this were their whole deal, though, it might be kinda gross - but part of the schtick is that they KNOW some adult is gonna CLEAN THEM UP and stick a new fresh 'n dry diaper on 'em. They're so chillaxed that their bathroom instincts are all the same:

  • Gotta pee? Sit exactly where you are and let loose.
  • Gotta poo? Stay right there and fill up that diaper.
  • Anything else? Nah, just chill where you are and some loser adult will swing by and clean you up.

Babies are just too chill and relaxed to be bothered to even wipe their own butt. Damn, right?

3. Eat one thing: formula (keepin' it simple)


Ever have that problem with your significant other where you're like "hey what should we have for dinner?" and they're like "oh I don't care" and you say "what about spaghetti?" and they're like "ugh, no, not spaghetti" and then you're like "WELL, YOU CLEARLY CARE THEN" and they're like "JUST NOT SPAGHETTI, GAWD" and then you say "WELL YOU PICK SOMETHING" and they're like "I DON'T CARE, WHATEVER" and then you just end up getting Jimmy Johns? Well, babies NEVER have this problem, cuz they drink only one thing: breast milk (awesome) or formula (also awesome).

Babies are uncomplicated as hell - when they're hungry, they always want the exact same thing. They either wanna suckle on a boob (pretty baller) or get fed from a bottle (also baller, just in a different way).

4. Cry a lot (very in touch with their emotions)


On top of being hella chill, babies are HELLA in touch with their emotions - which is why they cry a lot. When adults get sad or depressed or anxious or angry, they often just repress their feelings or get passive aggressive or introverted about it. Not babies though - when babies feel ANY negative emotion (pain, cold, feces, etc) they just start wailin'. Because babies are EMOTIONALLY OPEN AS FUCK.

5. Always goin for boobs (NICE)


Mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: babies INSTINCTIVELY know to suck on boobs. That is a hella baller instinct. Much respect, babies.

6. Get wheeled around wherever they go like some kind of Roman emperor or something


Babies got it made - they're so chill and badass that they don't even ATTEMPT to walk places, and instead have worked out a deal with parents everywhere to take them around in strollers, aka basically wheel 'em around like a damn Roman emperor or something, but with less grapes being dangled above their head (they get boobs instead, which is objectively more badass anyhow). For real babies - bravo. Gotta hand it to babies, they know how to travel in style.

7. Perfect innocence and potential


Babies are the best a human being will ever be - innocent, devoid of anger or resentment or malice, and with all the potential there is ahead of them. They're delighted by the simple things that older, more cynical adults brush aside and know only love and excitement for the world around them. They aren't afraid to show joy at anything that makes them happy - and they aren't afraid to cry about the things that bring them discomfort. They are open and honest and pure.

And, most of all, they're not bullshit. I love you, Lilah.