The Racist One

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Oh, Rachel? We actually broke up because she moved. To Vancouver, actually, not back to "Ching-Chong land"- I'm glad you realize it's inappropriate, I just don't think being born in 1976 counts as growing up in "a different time." Do I want to hear a knock-knock joke? Can you count, in your head, the number of times it contains the n-word? OK, you've already been counting for too long.

The Manly One

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Hey, look at us, both in flannel! Only difference is that red wine stain- Oh that's deer blood? And you're using deer as a plural noun? I'll let you get back to watching the sports game... What do I think? Well, I'm not sure whether you just named a truck, metal band, or type of handgun, so I'll just make noncommittal noises until I can find a segue- Look, something happened on sports! I'm cheering! I'm cheering! At a high fiber cereal commercial. Anybody need a drink?

The Nosy One

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School is good, thanks for asking- No, I'm actually not seeing anybody. No, it had nothing to do with our sex life. What do you mean, that's not what you read on Facebook? We're not friends- You added me under a fake name? I knew I didn't know any cute blondes from Vermont- And you follow my Twitter? Well, I'm glad to hear Uncle Rick likes my NBA lockout jokes, but if you'll excuse me, I have to go delete the Internet.

The Over Achiever

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Yep, still at school. I'm on the "five-year plan," heh- Oh you graduated early? Well, good luck finding a job, the economy is very tough- Financial analyst, huh? Not very creative work. Yeah, I guess publishing your first novel would help with that. Must be tough, though, working those long hours, no time for yourself- Oh, you're in a very rewarding relationship with an Australian yoga instructor? No, I'm not tense. These wine glasses just crack very easily.

The Teenager

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Wow! Last time I saw you, you were only this tall. And not carrying a butterfly knife. Do your parents know- No, no, I'm not going to tell them. Cigarettes? Sorry, I don't actually smoke- Oh you want me to buy them. And a six-pack. Good grief, when I was your age I was still playing Pokemon. You also play Pokemon? ...Want to battle?

The Drunk

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Hey, it's good to see you- Oh, this is a long hug. Cinnamon schnapps? I don't think we have- Ah, you brought your own. Anyway, you seem really happy. I mean sad. Nope, back to happy. Now you're still smiling, but there are tears. So many tears. Oh, I'm actually fine standing. I'm not saying your lap doesn't look comfortable, it's just... Here, why don't you take my water. No, I think it's fine without schnapps.

The Ancient One

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No, sir, I'm not- I'M NOT DANNYDANNY'S MY BROTHERYES SIR, I ALSO WEEP FOR MY GENERATION. Hey, I'm actually going to get another- Oh my, you are stronger than you look. Your hands are like ancient, freckled bear traps. Yes, I promise I'll stay off FacePod, won't listen to rap-step, and I won't- I WON'T EVER TRUST A RUSKIESIR.

The Child

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No, I didn't do anything wrong, they just ran out of room at the adult table. I agree, the green stuff is yuck, but it looks like you already ate most of it- Into the AC ducts, huh? Not bad. Not bad at all. And next you're going to go downstairs, play dinosaurs, and not talk to anybody? Mind if I come? Yes, it's OK if my dinosaur is a fire truck. It's way more than OK.