Are you dating a hot momma who thinks she is a dog?! Here you go boys, this is your lesson on how to make sure your gal gains confidence in herself all because of you!

Make sure shes actually incredibly good looking from the getgo, but dont let her know that until shes yours

First, make sure she's actually incredibly good-looking from the get-go, but don't let her know that until she's yours.

There's nothing more dangerous than a nobody who threatens your sexy way of life by being sexy without flaunting it. Now's your time to be her shepherd. 

 

Make sure that she's the only person in the world who doesn't know what contact lenses are.

Tell her the science hasn't been created yet. Then, when the time is right...give her the gift of sight. 

 

Get someone very mean to aggressively brush andor straighten her hair do not let her brush her hair all by herself

Get someone very mean to aggressively brush and/or straighten her hair. Don't let her do this by herself.

I repeat: Do not let her brush her hair all by herself. First it's brushing her own hair, then what's next? Getting bangs without your permission??

 

Throw away all of her clothes then buy her incredibly expensive new clothes that she cant afford to dryclean

Throw away all of her clothes, then buy her incredibly expensive new clothes that she can't afford to dryclean.

This will foster a codependency that will ensure that she doesn't feel pretty until you say so. 


Get someone to wax all the hair below her eyebrows until she shines like a prepubescent seal

Get someone to wax all the hair below her eyebrows until she shines like a prepubescent seal.

She'll be whiny and whimpery for a few days -- that's to be expected. Do not speak to her until the redness has gone down. 

Undermine all of her previous interests and find her new and cuter hobbies

Undermine all of her previous interests and find her new and cuter hobbies.

Her new pastimes will be cuticles and talking about her roots. So it is commanded. 


Do not speak to her in public until steps 16 have been completed, shes not ready

Do not speak to her in public until steps 1-6 have been completed, she's not ready.

She cannot become integrated into your social sphere just yet. She's still talking about those goddamn bangs in her sleep. Your work isn't done. 


Give her her first pair of high heels and make her walk around in them in front of a lot of people so that when she inevitably falls, she is humbled

Give her her first pair of high heels and make her walk around in them in front of a lot of people so that when she inevitably falls, she is humbled.

She's been feeling self-assured since your friend Tom hit on her at Tina's birthday party last Saturday. It's time to knock her back down a few pegs. 




Do not let her know that you're only talking to her because of a bet/dare/bribe.

...At least until after you've bought her the expensive clothes, because then she's pretty much your indentured servant for life.


Carefully and surgically remove her from her closest circle of lifelong friends and integrate her into the popular crowd so she can spend the rest of her days talking to Avery and Melissa about their eyebrow shapes

Carefully and surgically remove her from her closest circle of lifelong friends and integrate her into the popular crowd where she will remain as long as you wish it.

And once she is there, she can live out the rest of her days talking to Avery and Melissa about their eyebrow shapes. At this point, she'll finally know you think she's beautiful. You've given her so much. Go you.