1.

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Not "hang out" or "get a drink together" or "hook up" or "u up?" - time to be a gentleman and ask your best girl on an OFFICIAL date.



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Sure - you love being "ironic" or "hipster-y" or "millennial" by wearing your hipster millennial ironic t-shirts and jeans all the time, but guess what? You're taking a lady out on a date, so ACTUALLY dress up and try to look good for her. A simple suit and tie will suffice - it shows you've got class and want to impress her.

PRO-TIP! Don't forget to shave! Sure, you THINK that stubble looks cool, but nothing beats a clean-shaven gent!

 

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You've got to be thoughtful - and what's a more thoughtful metaphor for your date than a bouquet of fresh flowers? They smell wonderful, look beautiful, and will remind your date of the lovely night the two of you shared together for the rest of the week!

 

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Because it is the FUCKING 1950s AND THAT'S HOW THINGS WERE DURING MY IDEALIZED TIME FOR ROMANCE.

 

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NO, I'M NOT VIEWING DATING NORMS OF THE FIRST HALF OF THE 20TH CENTURY THROUGH ROSE COLORED GLASSES.




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Oh, right - you need to have a chaperone with you on your date! What could be more romantic than spending your evening with a lovely lady AND her stern, humorless, watchful older brother?

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As soon as they invent a vacuum cleaner you can fuck, she's outta the job! Haha, of course, we kid - unless the vacuum cleaner becomes capable of incubating life. But until that day, the only purpose for womankind is ejecting babies from their bodies.

PRO-TIP! Yo any science guys out there know if you can fuck a roomba?

 

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What could be classier or more romantic than an evening of slow dancing and smoking an entire pack of unfiltered cigarettes?

 

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Do NOT slap your date with the hand that has your class ring on it, as that would leave a mark. Be the kind of abusive gentleman she wants to take home to mom and dad!

 

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Institutional racism, lowered average lifespan, AND a lack of rights for women - what's not to love about the 50s? Get it together, millennials!