Despite "omg dead" becoming a staple phrase of young millennials, people have been kicking the bucket for real since the dawn of time. However, some people's deaths have been so memorable, they've left their marks on history in the way they bit the dust. Here are a list of nine baffling deaths that the rest of us can aspire to not live up to.
Aeschylus (c. 523 BC - c. 456 BC) was known as the father of tragedy throughout ancient Greece. This was in reference to his well-known plays, but it could have easily been about the way in which he supposedly died. Once or twice during the height of his success, Aeschylus traveled to Sicily to present his plays, but 458 B.C. was the year of his final trip. According to writer Valerius Maximus, Aeschylus was tragically killed by a bald eagle that dropped a tortoise onto him, mistaking his bald head for a rock upon which to crack the shell. I suppose all we can do is pray that his death was not nearly as painfully slow as the murder weapon.
George Plantagenet (1449 - 1478) was the duke of Clarence, and a frequent conspirator against his brother King Edward IV. After years of tension and schemes, Edward finally imprisoned his brother in the Tower of London, on charges including slandering the king and preparing for rebellions. Both houses of Parliament agreed to sentence Clarence to death, and the latter requested to be drowned in his favorite beverage, Malmsey wine. Supposedly his body was even shipped in a barrel of brandy after his death, which I'm pretty sure also happened to me in college.
Maybe that dude in Footloose banned dancing for a reason, because it turns out shaking "dat ass" can actually kill you. In July of 1518, Frau Troffea started dancing for no apparent reason out in the streets of France. What started out as an isolated incident became a phenomenon, and within a month over 400 people had joined her. Soon enough, the non-stop dancing got too intense and people began dying of heart attack, stroke, and exhaustion. Though the thought of this event may seem ridiculous (I mean - Lorde hadn't even released Green Light yet), several reliable documents confirm that it definitely occurred. Whether it was due to mass hysteria, a curse, or a really overdone ladies' night out, those ill-fated dancers really made La La Land seem even more underwhelming.
The Greek philosopher Chrysippus died at the age of 73 in 206 B.C. The cause? For some reason, (most likely boredom, the guy didn't have any goddamn TV), he decided to give a donkey some of his wine one day. You know those signs at the zoo that say "don't feed the animals"? Chrysippus may be the reason for those things, rather than the safety of the animals. Once the donkey was as drunk as your mother at a wedding, it started trying to eat some figs. Chrysippus thought this was hilarious (remember - no TV) and he cracked up so much that he actually died during a fit of laughter. Looks like the dumbass was killed by his drunk ass.
Felix Faure, president of France, was killed in the best scenario possible: in the arms, well, more specifically, the mouth of his lover. During his presidency, Faure known for granting amnesty to the anarchist movements and being in office during the Dreyfuss Affair. In 1897, Faure started an affair of his own with the infamous Marguerite Steinheil. He supposedly suffered a fit and died while she was performing oral sex on him on February 16, 1899, during an afternoon romp. Steinheil was later accused of murdering her stepmother and husband; since they were found strangled, it doesn't appear they received the same happy ending.
Sigurd the Mighty was a Norwegian King and the first Earl of Orkney, who ruled from 875 - 892. Things were going great for Sigurd until he let the power get to his head (maybe because people were calling him "The Mighty"). At some point, Sigurd got on bad terms with a local ruler who was known as Maelbrigte Tusk because of his large protruding teeth, and a battle between the two ensued. Sigurd's men won and he instructed his men to tie the heads of the slain enemies to their saddles, because that's what you do when you're a Viking and no one fucking questions you. He followed suit with the head of Maelbrigte on his own saddle, but in the end, Maelbrigte Tusk got his revenge. As Sigurd rode off into the sunset, his enemy's tooth scratched against his leg and resulted in a lethal infection. If Sigurd had any last words of wisdom during his painful death, I'm going to guess that they were "brace yourself, and also your enemies".
Hairy hipsters beware: your prized beard could actually be the cause of your demise. At least that's what happened to Hans Steininger, an Austrian man who had the world's longest beard in the 16th Century. Apparently it was over 1.5 meters long, but from my experience men can sometimes exaggerate about length. Regardless, it was too long for his own good, as proven by his tripping over it while trying to run from a fire in 1567; sadly, Hans broke his neck and died instantly. Today, the dangerously epic beard can be found in a small Austrian museum, in case you want to get a good look at the most unruly hair of all time.
Clement Vallandigham was an Ohio politician, leader of the Democratic Copperheads during the Civil War, and a really really bad lawyer. Vallandigham was representing a client in a murder trial about a bar fight, and argued that his client was innocent because the victim had accidentally shot himself. In order to prove to the judge and jury that the victim pulled a Plaxico Burress, Vallandigham did a demonstration inside the courtroom. However, he didn't realize that the pistol was loaded, and his demonstration wound up being more life-like than intended; Vallandigham shot himself in his own abdomen and died the following day. Some lawyers claim they'll take a bullet for their client, but this guy took it to the next (fatal) level.