1. The Purposely Withholding Info

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You're posting this publicly to everyone who follows you on Facebook - so there must be a reason, right? You clearly have some stuff you want to get off your chest, so just DO it instead of posting cryptic, vague complaints that will just make everyone who sees it all want to ask the exact same question: WHAT IS THE THING THAT HAPPENED?

Note that if you reply "don't want to talk about it," you are the worst kind of human and deserve to be unfollowed immediately.



2. The Pity Party

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C'mon - Facebook is for sharing videos of animals doing something cute (with black bars on the top and bottom), articles about TV shows you like, and sharing the one photo you took of yourself that day where you didn't look like complete trash. What it is NOT for is sad, passive-aggressive updates where you're essentially shaming people into inviting you to stuff instead of - ya know - actually reaching out to people directly to make plans, like a functional human being.

Be proactive, call up some friends, see if they wanna hang out - and if not, watch some Netflix or play a videogame. Seriously, you are SO far behind on TV shows and videogames that you can never reasonably say you have "nothing to do" ever again.



3. The "HELP THEY'RE IN THE HOUSE AND I CAN'T CALL 911 OR THEY'LL HEAR MY VOICE. PLEASE CALL 911 HELP HELP HELP"

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Okay this one is kinda specific but I saw it the other night and it really bugged me. I get it - you're SOOOOOO desperate for attention, but honestly that's a little obnoxious. If you REALLY want to hang out so badly, stop it with the "oh poor me" act and just give someone a call.



4. The Too Many Hashtags

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Here's the problem: you're confusing your social media platforms. You're looking for Instagram. Happens a lot, don't worry about it. #CollegeHumor #Comedy #NotFunnyAsItUsedToBe #WritingLife #ChelseaClintonTellsThemWhatToWrite #AndrewBridgmanSucks



5. The "THEY'RE IN THE ROOM I'M HIDING UNDER THE BED BUT THEY'RE GOING TO FIND ME SOON STOP LIKING AND COMMENTING AND CALL THE POLICE PLEASE GOD PLEASE"

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Like, c'mon Devon, this is taking things a little too far.



6. The Obvious Drunk Post

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I get it - you're either totally blasted or PRETENDING to be suuuuuper drunk because you think you're funnier or more endearing that way. But guess what? I know your phone has spellcheck, so I'm guessing this is just you trying A LITTLE too hard.



7. The "Everything is fine. Do not contact the authorities. I am fine. I will not be updating this Facebook account ever again."

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After all that - a night of desperate, pathetic, over-the-top pleas for attention, you're going to pretend like you're totally calm and composed? If you're gonna be that obnoxious online, at least own it and not end it with that "Actually, I'm not mad at all." crap. You ARE mad, you ARE upset, so be honest about it.

And, c'mon - EVERYONE has threatened they're leaving Facebook at some point, but they always come back.

Except Devon, I guess. Devon's been offline for like 12 days now. What a drama queen.