1. Find an innocuous article on the internet

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2. Figure out a way to take personal offense at what you read, no matter how tangentially it relates to you.

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3. Now it's time to draft! Start your sentence by stating how you've made this argument a million times. This will prove to your readers that you're an expert!

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4. Search the internet for any amount of proof to support whatever point you're trying to make. Remember, the less mainstream a website, the more trustworthy it is. If you find something written with bright green font over a black background, you know you've hit the motherload.

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5. Once you've done your research, it's time to make your case. Proceed list anything you found to support your point. Remember, the more things you say, the smarter you'll sound.

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6. For good measure, throw in one incomprehensible sentence to keep them on their toes.

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7. As you wrap up, sum up your argument with a coherent, intelligent thought that your opponent will not see coming.

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8. Close it out by immediately contradicting the thing you just said.

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Congratulations! You've done it.

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