Britney Spears

Photographer: Wow, never thought I'd see you in here, Miss Spears. What made you decide to pose for us?

B.S.: Well, after the whole shaved head fiasco back in '07, I lost all of my endorsements and record deals. They said that they can't have a "freak" selling their products. Fucking assholes. So, I figured the one thing thateverybody hasalways wanted from me is to see me naked, so here I am making some money.

Photographer: Yeah, i guess that's one way to do it. So, what the hell were you thinking when you shaved it all off?

B.S.:One night,when me and Vice President Federline were still married, we were strung out on PCP and meth and decided to watch Alien 3, you know the one where Sigourney Weaver shaved her head?

Photographer: Sure, it's a classic.

B.S.:I thought she looked sexy as hell with that look, so after me and Federline divorced I thought that might bring his white trash ass back to me, but he ended up runnin' off with that whore. What's her name again?

Photographer: Oh, uhm…Ashlee Simpson. Yeah, they didn't last too long though, remember? That botchedsixth nose job sent somecartilageinto her brain, and she became retarded. I don't think a lot of people noticed, though. Weird thing too. That was a week after she hadher shoot with us.

B.S.: That's the one! Hah, that bitch had it coming too. Dumbass never knew how to do a good lip-syncing like me.

Photographer: It takes practice, I guess….

B.S.:Now, what do you think will make me look sexier; if i spread it like this…..or this?

Photographer: Well, we can't really show that. Playboy is more of a classy gentlemen's magazine. And, Miss Spears, I'm gonna have to ask you againto tell your kids to go back to the daycare room.

B.S.: Hell, I can't control 'em anymore. You know how kids are these days.

Photographer: Yeah, six kids can be a hassle.

B.S.: Hey, do you think I'd get some more money from Hustler since I wanna show my coo?