Hey there, I know we only hung out for like 5 minutes the other night, but something you did kinda pissed me off.

I am referring to, of course, the time you semenated on me, balled me up, and threw me in the trash.

It's not that I mind being the receptacle for your bodily fluids; in fact, that's sorta what I was specially made for. What you did though was just downright insensitive, much unlike my extremely sensitive aloe-coated self, designed to be sturdy enough to handle excessive mucus, yet soft enough to soothe your nose. You could have used me to cover up a sneeze or wipe your nose…you know, the things that I am intended to do. But no, you just decided to nut all over me and throw me in the garbage.

Seriously dude, you couldn't have just grabbed some toilet paper or something? Those guys are used to dealing with your lower half. They have to put up with constant shit all day, so I doubt they would mind a little jism. Hell, just grab some paper towels next time! Those things clean up all sorts of junk, they'd probably love to receive a little love juice.

So let's get this straight, ok? I am a facial tissue, meaning a tissue to be used on the face, not a tissue used to practice facials on.