"And then Abraham Lincoln, back from the grave, shook my hand and gave me a check for a billion dollars. Of course I refused and told him to give it all to charity. The Dalai Lama then stood up and started to applaud while the bystanders joined in. It's a standing ovation I'll never forget." 

"Wow, Ethan, that's a really cool story. I can't help but noticed you may have some bullshit crumbs around your mouth. Did you just eat lunch?"

1. I think the most unbelievable part of this story is he was buying grocery store sushi.

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via Lukeme9X

2. "Okay, Karen, we hear you, congrats. But we're in the middle of a lecture about the Holocaust, this is not the time.

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via t3hPeNgU1NoFdO0OM

3. I then got fired for doing 30 push-ups in the middle of work.

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via TheHypnoticGamer

4. Life hack: you can pay for vending maching with your dick skin.

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via LucaG982

5. You know how when you're very attractive people just throw money at you? Oh you don't? How unfortunate.

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via babewizard

6. When you love something so much you just leave whatever you were doing so you can sleep.

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via kellylafuega

7. The austic child's name? Albert Einstein.

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via DreamsMadeReal

8. The story of a hero vs. a 90's bully. 

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via Azriellwest

9. NONE OF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN LOVE.

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via Lv99Venusaur

10. Such bravery should be celebrated.

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via Reejectbaby

11. The cat then told her to go get her to go get it a goddamn beer.

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via Havarstence

12. The twist is, her boyfriend was actually Leonard Nimoy.

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via realrawbitch2k14