1. Avocado Spread Across Your Overdue Student Loan Bills

undefined

Ingredients:

  • 100+ Memories of hearing "You need to go to college to get a good job" over and over throughout high school
  • 1 photo of you looking happy your first day at college, when you thought "well, these loans are a lot, but it'll all be worth it when I have a great job and can easily pay them back" (chopped)
  • 10 overdue notices from Sallie Mae that are giving you constant anxiety
  • 1 Avocado



Instructions:

Bake the overdue notices for 15 minutes at 400 degrees. While that's baking, mash the avocado. Chop the photo and add it atop the overdue notices from Sallie Mae, then lightly sprinkle the memories of everyone telling you the only way to have any kind of future was going to college (even though your family didn't have the money to pay for it). Once that's done, spread the mashed avocado across everything and try not to cry as you contemplate calling your parents up for the 4th time this year begging for money.



2. Avocado & Another Rejection Email For An Unpaid Internship Salad

undefined

Ingredients:

  • Printed out rejection email for an unpaid internship
  • College diploma that isn't worth the paper it's printed on
  • 1 Avocado



Instructions:

You spent 4 years studying hard and digging yourself deeper and deeper into debt, but it was all going to be worth it - there would certainly be a good-paying job waiting for you when you got out, just like there was for your parents. Except no one was hiring, so you applied to internships...and then starting desperately grabbing for unpaid internships, figuring at least they would give you a foot in the door and help build your resume so you could apply to those entry-level positions that STILL somehow required 2 years experience. But you still couldn't even get those - and the rejection emails wouldn't even arrive until 2 months after you applied.

Anyways, chop up the rejection email and your diploma (because lol why not) and the avocado and mix in a bowl. Your tears will serve as the dressing.



3. Avocado & "Millennials Are Killing Another Industry" Thinkpiece Soup

undefined

Ingredients:

  • 100 printed out articles written by 60 year old journalists still getting paid $100k+/year complaining that millennials aren't buying enough gold bars or whatever
  • Pigeon broth (lol like you could afford chicken broth)
  • 1 Avocado



Instructions:

Print out as many of those stupid "Millennials are killing an industry!" hot takes as you can find (there are plenty), blaming millennials for not spending what little money they have on frivolous luxuries only valued by people born in the 1950s, like fancy dishware or diamonds or fabric softener. Because, sure, blame an entire generation for industries that don't make worthwhile products failing, that makes sense. You already blame us for being wimpy and getting participation trophies, even though it was THE PARENTS GIVING OUT THAT CRAP, NOT US DEMANDING IT. Christ.

Anyways, chop those up, throw them in the slow cooker with the pigeon broth, and the whole avocado (who cares). Cook for as long as you want, you'll probably just eat ramen again tonight anyways.



4. Avocado & A Terrible Health Insurance Plan With Stupidly High Premiums and Deductibles But I Guess It's Better Than Nothing Chili

Avocado Recipes Every Millennial Will Love

Ingredients:

  • 1 really shitty ACA healthcare plan with a $6k out-of-pocket deductible and steadily increasing premiums but hey at least I have a healthcare plan I guess
  • 1 packet of chili mix
  • 1 Avocado



Instructions:

Listen, I'm not saying I hate the ACA - it was a positive step forward in getting more people access to health insurance, but it's been a real pain in the ass. The plan is garbage and pays for very little (I am aware a lot of the issues with the ACA are a direct result of Congress continually underfunding it for years now, but the architects of the ACA should have anticipated this and made a stronger bill that would have been more difficult to handicap like this), but at least I don't have to worry about being financially ruined for life if I were to ever get cancer or hit by a car or anything. It'd be nice if the government could just come up with a simpler solution for healthcare access that could reduce costs across the board and make it less stressful and confusing and miserable for individuals. HMMM, IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT THAT LITERALLY EVERY OTHER DEVELOPED NATION ON EARTH HAD FIGURED OUT.

Just dump the chili powder on the avocado and eat that. If you get sick, probably not worth going to the doctor, since your co-pay sucks pretty bad.



5. Avocado Spread on Toast

undefined

Ingredients:

  • 1 slice of bread (toasted)
  • 1 lemon
  • 1 Avocado



Instructions:

IT TASTES GOOD, IT DOESN'T COST MUCH, IT'S HEALTHY, AND IT'S ONE OF THE FEW THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY IN THIS SHITTY WORLD, SO LEAVE AVOCADOS THE FUCK ALONE.