Internet comedian (and author of Donald Trump gay erotica novel, Temptations: The Billionaire and the Bellboy) Elijah Daniel had a dream: to become a politician, because hey why not?
im gonna become a politician just to see how far i could make it like i could probably get as far as governor-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 25, 2017
Of course, this was just a one-off tweet that didn't seem to have any actual intention behind it. But then Daniel actually looked into the easiest path to becoming a politician: become the mayor of Hell, Michigan.
so the other night after I tweeted that I got high and looked up the easiest political office i could hold...-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
if Donald Trump, a REALITY STAR can be our president there's no reason why I can't be a politician...-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
I spent two days calling towns asking to let me be their mayor..... and guess what....-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
As of today, August 30th, 2017 I am the legal mayor of Hell, Michigan. This is real. I am the mayor of Hell. pic.twitter.com/J7fuaLnFKV-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
Of course, there's a catch - ANYONE can become the mayor of Hell for a day, as part of Hell's "Be Mayor of Hell" promotion, where you pay about $100 and get to be the mayor for a day (and guaranteed impeachment at the end of the day). The full benefits of being Hell's mayor include:
• Set of Devil Horns to wear
• T-Shirt with Mayor of Hell on the front and "Impeached"
on the back
• Office of Mayor Hell, MI Coffee Mug
• Official Mayor of Hell Badge
• Official Mayor of Hell Wallet Card
• Ownership of One Square Inch of Hell, Michigan
with Official Property Deed
• Bottle of Official Hell Dirt
• A Proclamation naming the recipient as Hell's Mayor
for that particular day
• A Proclamation of Impeachment
• Mayor's Name on the "Hell Mayor for the Day" Board
• The Mayor will also receive phone calls throughout the
day with important tasks and decisions to make
But what made Daniel's stint as mayor a little more interesting than most was his only official action as mayor: banning all heterosexuals from the town.
As acting mayor of Hell, Michigan I hearby ban all heterosexuals from entering our town. pic.twitter.com/uDuGWFATmS-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
Mayor Daniel's proclamation seems extreme but fair - he's simply trying to protect Hell from the rampant straights who come in, have a bunch of straight babies, and steal all of the gay jobs. And while all existing straights in Hell will need to give the mayor's office an $84,000 deposit (as a precaution against procreation costs), they will generously be returned that money if they can remain abstinent for a full year. Mayor Daniel also arranged for a heterosexual reparative therapy program that would undo the damage of that deviant sexual lifestyle - and made it completely voluntary.
However, those who do NOT volunteer would be required to wear a scarlet H and report to the town square each morning (at 5:30am) to be straight-shamed by the rest of the community (in cargo shorts, no less).
He went on to give some context for the move:
I love straights, but my #1 priority is the safety of my town. Until the heterosexual threat has been reviewed we cannot allow them to enter-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
yes I am the first u.s mayor to ban heterosexuality but i hope my act of bravery will inspire fellow politicians to ban straights as well-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
Sadly, it seems like the ban will not be enforceable, particularly since Mayor Daniel was forcibly impeached after his 24 hours as Mayor were up. Still, he valued the experience, learned a lot, and has a message for another politician who's just doing it as a goof:
Being impeached was fun @realDonaldTrump, you should try it.-- former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017