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If you've ever gone on a Tinder date so awkward, bad, or embarrassing that it keeps you up at night - I'm happy to announce to you that NOTHING that you've experienced could possibly hold a candle to this acrobatic, poop-centric, firemen-filled date you are about to read about.

I recently took a girl I met on tinder to Nandos. We had a lovely evening, and enjoyed each others company very much. After our meal, we repaired back to my house for a bottle of wine and a scientology doccumentary. 

About an hour in to Louis Theroux and chill, my date got up to use the toilet. She returned with a panicked look in her eye, and told me she had something to tell me. 

"I went for a poo in your toilet", she told me "and it would not flush. I don't know why I did this, but I panicked", she continued "I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window". 

Sometimes you poop and toilets don't flush. I don't fault this date's ingenuity for trying to quietly handle this sticky predicament out the window.

HOWEVER. The fact that she returned and spilled ALL THE BEANS on what just happened is A HUUUUGE NO-NO. I understand honesty is the best policy, but NOT when you have just pooped out the window of a Tinder date's home. Literally and figuritively: keep that shit to yourself! 

I was understandably concerned, and told her we would go outside, bag up the offending poo in the garden, bin it, and pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened. Unfortunately, owing to a design quirk of my house, the toilet window does not in fact open to the garden, but instead into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, seperated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window. It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo. 

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Yikes, ok. So rather than this poop/tissue burrito being tossed into the garden and fertilizing sweet Mother Earth, anonymous lady's turd got gobbled up in a bizarre little gap between two windows leading outside. 

The unfortunate but necessary course of action here is smashing the windows, tossing the poo, and stopping the bleeding of this nightmare, right? Wrong.