Here's the thing: no one actually likes clowns - at least not on the level you're supposed to "like clowns." No one is delighted and entertained by clowns - no one laughs at their antics or chuckles at their pratfalls. Clowns are walking nightmares - exaggerrated monstrosities who look like they just crawled out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting, and the only purpose they genuinely serve in society is to terrify children and adults alike. Don't believe me? Think that there must be SOME kids who like clowns? Well, researchers at the University of Sheffield polled 250 children about what they would like and would not like to be included in the hospital's upcoming redesign - and 100% of the children polled responded that they disliked clowns and would not want them integrated into the design. The reason? Most of the children (ages 4 - 16) responded that they were afraid of clowns.
In short, we need to ban clowns entirely.
1. They are the worst birthday entertainment possible
If I had to rank "birthday entertainment for kids", it would go something like this:
- Super-rich kid whose parents rented a bunch of cool rich kid stuff, like a horse and a bouncy-castle and stuff.
- Cool arcade-type place where they have the old X-Men arcade game and the mom hands every kid $10 worth of tokens
- A pool, just any kid who has a pool
- Playing videogames in the living room
- An extremely awkward party where I was the only kid to show up and it's just me and the birthday kid's grandparents, and the birthday kid keeps crying because no one showed up to his party, but I'm stuck there because my mom is at work til 6.
Clowns are TERRIBLE entertainment - they do a lot of the same tricks as magicians, except while looking like grotesque freaks with deformed features like giant noses and feet. No kid wants to watch the Elephant Man covered in makeup juggle bowling pins, sorry. If you've hired a clown for your kid's birthday, you have failed as a parent and should probably consider that it is no longer 1952.
If you've ever had a birthday party involving a clown, you probably have a picture that looks just like this - and no one should have birthday memories that look THIS creepy.
2. Everyone knows they're horrifying
You know when clowns are in the news these days? Not for bringing joy to children or anything like that - only for terrifying everyone they come into contact with. The biggest news story around clowns in the past few years has been the ominous "clown sightings" across the United States and Canada.
The epidemic began in mid 2016, when a 9 year old child in South Carolina recounted this legitimately horrifying tale to his mother:
...two clowns in the woods, both brightly dressed and made up. One with a red fright wig and the other with a black star painted on his face. They whispered something to the boy.
"They were trying to lure him to the house," his mother told me, pointing toward the woods.
A path into the woods led down into a shaded hollow, at the bottom of which was a small pond. Beside it sat a house that seemed abandoned. Someone had boarded up the windows, and the balcony sagged. New bags of potting soil sat near the basement door, though. And a modern security system looked recently installed.
Basically, it was IT, except TWO clowns and also ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Afterwards, there were copycats, pranksters, and a slew of possibly-made-up stories, but the end result was HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS of "clown sightings" that left everyone in a state of constant unease and paranoia. Most of these were just individuals dressed up as clowns, standing in an odd location, and not really doing anything - and that was all it took to inspire absolute terror across the country.
North Carolina residents on edge after multiple clown sightings: https://t.co/DvxKPOqjES-- Eyewitness News (@ABC7NY) September 8, 2016
The fact that a clown standing still was enough to drive a media frenzy of horror should tell you everything - CLOWNS ARE INHERENTLY HORRIFYING.
3. CLOWN PORN IS NOT A THING I NEEDED TO KNOW EXISTS
There was an interesting side effect of the "clown sightings" phenonema - people were talking about clowns again in a big way, and as a result....search traffic for "clown porn" apparently soared. Which leads to two big revelations for most of the populace.
- "Clown porn" is a thing (no judgment here - sexuality is a broad spectrum!)
- The idea of clowns standing in the woods luring children to their doom got people horny for clowns
Pornhub even compiled an entire article tracking the surge in interest around clown sex:
And now I'm not only terrified of clowns kidnapping and murdering me, but also throw in psychosexual midget clown farting into the mix.
4. They bring death and destruction everywhere they go
Clowns are cursed beings - and their existence has been inviting disaster and tragedy throughout history. Take Norfolk, England, circa 1845 - a clown known as "Nelson" was paddling down a river in a tub pulled by four geese. What a silly, delightful sight that must have been, eh? Townfolk from around the area gathered on a bridge to watch Nelson and his whimsical escapades.
That is, until the bridge collapsed and killed 79 people (most of whom were children, trying to enjoy the circus performer).
While I'm not saying Nelson was directly responsible, I'm just saying that clowns are cursed and cause destruction via their mere presence.
5. Some clowns have turned evil on purpose, with terrifying results
The clown business is not what it used to be - between the 2016 "clown sightings" events and the popularity of the IT reboot, people are naturally associating clowns with unspeakable evil more than ever, leaving many working clowns with significantly less gigs than they used to get. It's more or less a full-fledged disaster for the clown industry, and with no upswing on the horizon, some clowns are LEANING INTO IT.
By "leaning into it," I mean truly embracing the terrifying stereotype that clowns have come to represent in today's society - like Dominic DeVille, a clown who specializes in being an "evil clown": parents hire him to stalk their children, make prank phone calls, and leave ominous notes in the week leading up to their birthday. And the grand finale involves DeVille smashing a pie in the child's face when they least suspect it, and then revealing the hilarious "prank" the parents had set up.
According to DeVille:
"The clown will never break into a residence or show up at work. It's all in fun and if, at any point, the kids get scared or their parents are concerned, we stop right there. But most kids absolutely love being scared senseless."
And now, "scary clowns for hire" has become an entire industry - meet Wrinkles the Clown:
And while this all seems like obviously messed up ways to traumatize children, it actually is even MORE messed up than you might realize" it's led to people making legitimately scary requests of these "scary clowns" - Wrinkles recounts someone reached out to him about dumping a body, and a 13 year old asked one on social media to help her murder her teacher.
So yeah.....ban clowns. Now.