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As you're undoubtedly aware, my official Twitter account was caught late last night having favorited a clip from the account @SexuallPosts from a pornographic film. And while my camp is attempting to say it was "hacking" (imagine a lamer plan for hackers than getting onto a Senator's Twitter account and liking a single pretty tame porn clip), we all know the truth - I was horny late at night.

I finally did something normal - and you're STILL making fun of me? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?!

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I have been mocked endlessly for nearly every aspect of my personality - my looks, my political stances, countless anecdotes about my personal life - and you're right to. I'm a goddamn weirdo and a genuine piece of shit (yes, I'm the guy who took a strong stance against the relief bill for Hurricane Sandy victims in an attempt to score political points). Plus, just look at me being the most awkward motherfucker to ever exist:

I get it. I'm strange and shitty and I deserve to be dunked on relentlessly. But there's one thing you CAN'T mock me for - honking off my hog to some late night porn. Hell, I should be getting PRAISED for such a mundane, normal, human act. And yet, you people won't cut me even one fucking break. Goddamn.

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There is almost nothing about me that could be defined as "normal" - remember when I celebrated my marriage by purchasing 100 cans of soup? Or when I read "Green Eggs & Ham" in front of Congress to register how I didn't like Obamacare - forgetting the entire point of the book was that a thing someone thought they didn't like was actually great once they gave it a chance? Or how the most popular way to describe me is "The Zodiac Killer"?!

The most normal thing I have ever done is get horny late at night and choke my pud to some porn. Don't pretend like you don't do the exact same thing every damn night - I just made the mistake of accidentally favoriting the post.

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What? Are you gonna pretend you don't follow dozens of "fitness models" on Instagram and Snapchat? Gonna act like you haven't accidentally favorited one of their posts by mistake? Don't tell me you're not thirsty as hell online like everyone else - you're thirsty, I'm thirsty, WE ARE ALL THIRSTY. The internet exists PRIMARILY for pornography - everything else is just window dressing. And this proves that I'm at least SLIGHTLY relatable.

I'm the dude who managed to make the most cringeworthy Simpsons impressions imaginable in my attempt to connect with young voters - there is almost NOTHING about me that is normal or relatable, so why are you picking on me for finally doing something that proves that some aspect of me is normal?!

Making fun of me for liking a porn tweet is bullshit and you know it. If you wanna rip on me and make fun of me, there is PLENTY of material to work with and you would be wholly justified in going hogwild on me - but not this. This proves there's some shred of humanity within me. This proves I am not some unfeeling monster - I get horny late at night just like you.

Now excuse me, I have to go buy some soup.