Today I Fucked Up is a very fun subreddit where people share the ways compleltely screwed up. The stories are insane and make us feel better about ourselves in comparison. Every now and then we like to check in there and share some of our favorite stories. Enjoy!  

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1.  EMS_Princess fucked up by calling the police on their pet

A little background context for the story: I'm a medic. Also 22w pregnant.

So, let me tell y'all the story of how I answered the door, wet, butt naked, in a towel to the police about an hour ago because of my damn hedgehog. Oh, I'm hormonal too, so my mind is a little insane and I'm jumpier than usual.

I'm just sitting in my bubblebath, warm, content, Himalayan pink bath salt, Lush bath bomb fizzing, sipping my prego concoction of cranberry juice and sprite (minus alcohol, obvs). Hair put up, face mask on, facebooking, playing Candy Crush (is that still a thing?) you get the point. Netflix playing Criminal Minds on the iPad sitting on the toilet. Nibbling some fruit. The baby is sitting so far back in my uterus that I'm already getting terrible back aches, so this soak is pretty routine. Being a medic and lifting all the time, (I usually work the bariatric crew) I am toootally in the zone up in this bath.

Anyway, I start hearing some crashes. They sound like they're coming from the other side of the house. First one, okay, no big deal, dishes in the rack probably fell over, or the washer was banging on the wall. It does that sometimes. No biggie.

Second crash, a few minutes later- okay, what the hell is that. I'm over here thinking me or my husband left the door unlocked or something. (Husband is at work right now, also on the ambulance, 40ish miles away... We have old fashioned gates and bars around our house, the only way to get in is if someone leaves it open or you have loud cutters.) I got home this morning from my shift just as my husband was walking out the door to leave for his. I had woken up sore all over and decided to eat and take a bath, I hadn't been out of the house yet. We've never left the doors or gates unlocked though.

I hear more commotion and noise, I'm immediately convinced it's TOTALLY a person, I'm shaking and high key flipping shit. I hop out of the tub and dial 911, asking for a rapid PD response because I think someone is in my house. My dumbass goes to hide in Nick the Prick's room. (Adjacent to the bathroom I was in.) My mind and adrenaline went from nothing to EVERYTHING in .023 seconds. Straight up fight-or-flight mode.

I was being as quiet as possible, until I heard another loud crash. From right next to me. Nick was trashing his cage, flinging his bed/wheel/bowls everywhere, echoing in the empty room, down the hallway, (all wood and tile floors, EVERYTHING echoes- we were rearranging furniture and stuff making room for the nursery, that end of the house was virtually empty save his spot/cage in the spare room.) And it hits me.

Nobody is inside my house. It's my damn hedgehog throwing a temper tantrum.

Gates were locked and secured, doors and windows were locked and secured, my car was sitting snugly in my driveway. Answered the door to PD half crying, half laughing, soap in my hair and still dripping wet.

Long story short, PD wasn't even mad, they thought it was hilarious. (Still checked my house and perimeter anyway, to be triple sure.) I'm embarrassed as hell, and someone needs to have a drink for me tonight. They all thought the little bastard was adorable. He is. He knows he's a little shit, too.

TL;DR: Thought someone was breaking in. Nearly had my hedgehog arrested. Will never live down the embarrassment of my hogtruder.

Older pics of my lap cactus I posted for another thread.

Edit: To keep this in TIFU fashion (apparently this post was a grey area), I also have to add that I have an $800 ambulance bill (the irony, I know!) because I have a heart condition and the whole anxiety of it gave me chest pain. They wanted to get me checked out, I got hooked up to the monitor, everything was cool, I still refused to go to the hospital but still got saddled with the bill. Hoping it'll be reduced via my company (this was the discounted rate!) and I won't actually have to pay $800 for my hoggle's temper tantrum. My embarrassment should be plenty payment enough...




2. thesubordinate fucked up by accidently brewing a batch of chlorine gas at work 

At the warehouse where I work we have a waste oil burner. We dump all of the waste oil into a 250 gallon tank which pumps up to the burner. The burner is a giant heating unit, basically it burns oil and heats the entire the warehouse.

I had just gotten there in the morning, and was the only person there. It was cold as hell too. I noticed that there were some new cases of oil in the "suitable oil" bin. This just looked like standard 15w-40 So I went ahead and dumped it in.

Oh boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. I can only assume that someone was to lazy to get two containers for different chemicals and decided to give it to us anyway. Turns out it was chlorinated brakekleen mixed with oil. I don't even know how you'd mix the two, or why?!?

So that's no big deal right? It will just vaporize the chlorine and everything will be alright, right? We have filters for this kind of thing.

Sure, that would have been all fine and dandy, until I put some oil in that contained some sort of acid. See, one of the reasons you get an oil change is that there's a lot of acid buildup in your engine and motor oil combats said acid. Under normal wear and tear most of this acid is nutrilized, but what I just poured in was most certainly not a "normal wear and tear" situation.

Seconds after I poured the acid into the tank I started to get horrid chest pain, started coughing profusely, and wanted to remove my lungs from my body.

/r/TodayILearned,when chlorine is mixed with acid, it makes chlorine gas, which in the slightest amount can severely ruin your day.

Keep in mind the pump is still running at this point, so it proceeds to send this mixture to the burner. I guess our filters don't do much in the way of chlorine gas after all, so it got pumped into the entire warehouse.

After some good ventilation and a call to my boss, they are now changing all of the filters on the burner and cleaning it. Hopefully it's not completely destroyed because one can only imagine how expensive one of these systems is.

My lungs feel like I just took a bong rip of bear mace and I'm more than likely not going to be working here much longer.

TL;DR accidentally made a toxic gas and pumped it into my work.

 


3. Nobst fucked up by falling asleep at the wrong time

Theres a nice little corner in our union (a hub like building) on my college campus where I go to study inbetween classes, but more often, outright sleeping on the comfy chairs there and getting absolutely fuck all done, which was today's case.

Also, I get sleep paralysis very often since I enter REM sleep very quick. I'm so used to it by now and it usually only happens when I take long naps during the day. My solution is usually to either wait it out or act out like I'm "screaming" to make my body controllable again. I dunno, it works, even though I don't actually scream.

So I wake up from this scholarly nap, but I can't move or see, only hear other people talking and moving around. Suddenly, I hear one of them mention the time, "11:24"...Shit, I have class in 6 minutes and it's nowhere near the union...

Not waiting this shit out, I act out my usual silent battle cry of slumber, but what came out was a fully fledged "NYAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!", echoing through the entire building. I'm instantly woke up completely now, and I see a girl fling her coffee behind me to the floor, with a room full of people staring at me wondering what the fuck is going on. I bailed the hell out of there...

TL:DR Fell asleep in public, and dragonborn'd the shit out of a girl's coffee.

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4.  kanjozoku99 fucked up by not paying attention to what they put in their mouth.

This just happened maybe 4 minutes ago. I'm at work on a skeleton crew and we go on lunch. I go to the fridge to start my daily routine of taking a can of progresso soup and pouring most of its contents into a disposable cup to microwave, and then pour it back into the can to eat, so I never need a bowl. I'm a visionary ahead of my time, I know.Anyway, I open up the fridge to grab my water bottle and see a jar of pickles. Well one of my supervisors brings in pickles all the time that he prepares at home, and I remembered a couple days ago him telling me he made a new batch and to try them. Now seeing these I think fuckin score, there's a couple of peppers floating on top, he knows I love peppers. So I grab one and eat it. I then turn around from the fridge to the microwave (small kitchen area) to start my soup routine and my mouth starts burning. Not the normal burning that I so much enjoy when eating super spicy things, but the type that makes you fucking panic and realize that you've made a horrible mistake. So I hurriedly throw my soup in the microwave and turn around to grab some water. First mistake. Water plus hot is a no. Rookie mistake, I know, but with the urgency of my mouth screaming at me I was not thinking clearly. I realize that this was no normal pepper. This was a pepper straight from Satans garden. I'm am crying, sweating, have started hiccuping, and feeling like I'm going to puke. One of my coworkers comes around the corner and sees me and asks what the hell happened to me, only for me to be able to stammer out a few words at a time due to the pain of fresh oxygen touching my now wasteland of a tongue. He starts laughing and tells me they weren't the pickles I thought, and that it was another persons who has recently taken up pickling, and that the orange pepper was a fuckin habanero. Now I don't know what kind of fucked up habanero this was but it was hotter than anything I've ever tasted. Just as he's telling me this, the microwave goes off, and I open the door. I cooked the fucking can. I put the can in for a minute and a half and let that mother fucker fry. At this point my coworker is laughing hysterically and I still cannot talk to explain myself. The urgency of my mouth taking a shot of napalm completely broke my brain and rather than abandon my soup mission I chose to complete that task and move on. Now the microwave is all fucked looking on the inside. Now, I made myself some oatmeal and my mouth is fine, but my stomach is in knots and this is going to be utter hell on the other end in a few hours.

TL;DR Ate a pepper from a pickle jar, was someone else's pickle jar, pepper was actually a habanero, broke company microwave trying to not die.

I think I'll be staying away from spicy for a while.

Update: On my last break now, guts have not stopped wrenching, burping a bunch and I feel like a fire breathing dragon every time, and I've had to piss like 15 times due to the probably gallon of water I drank.

Update 2: At home, on toilet. Can hear wife and kid having a good time while I am dying. So far, by as bad, but I know damn well from the way my stomach is grumbling that digestion is still taking place and the morning will be an entirely new evil.

Also, to clear things up, I've eaten Carolina Reapers, Ghost Peppers, and a whole bunch of these little Vietnamese peppers, and I gotta say that this felt like the reaper all over again. I've never wanted to puke from something being so hot until today. It was insane.




5. Waitforsquirtle fucked up by cursing at what they thought was a robot. 

So a little backstory- I've been unemployed for about 3 months and have been applying like crazy to various companies. My previous work experience is all at big corporations for IT and wanted to work for a smaller operation so I've been sending out to local businesses that have openings. I've had a few interviews but a lot of the offers I've gotten are just above minimum wage which I've declined

Lately every time I get a phone call I answer it "hello this is waitforsquirtle" in the event it is a potential employer. Unfortunately most of my calls appear as local numbers but it's "Rachel" from card services, or "Melissa" regarding my auto warranty for a car I no longer own.

This morning I volunteered to take my brother to the airport pretty early so when I got back I took a nap. I woke up to my phone ringing about 45 minutes later and noticed a local number was calling but not one I recognized. I groggily answered "hello?" To which I got "Hi this is Candice with 'local company', and I wanted to ask you a few supplemental questions" and in my tired and angry to be woken up state I mistook this cheery HR rep for a robot and responded in kind "I don't have any supplemental answers because my credit card is fine and I don't own the equinox anymore you robotic fuck" and hung up. Keep in mind I was sound asleep 30 second before. When I put my phone back on the night stand and rolled back over to resume my nap it hit me that this company I just hung up on was one of my recent applications. I sent a follow up email to the recruiter/contact on the application page (not Candice)and apologized profusely. I have not heard back. RIP my first potential job in a few months.

TL;DR robots took my job in a way I didn't expect



6. kt-silber fucked up by messing up their cat's bowels. 

I stayed up late last night, so about 2am I brushed my hair before bed then cleaned the brush. I tossed the mess into the bathroom garbage can thinking nothing of it. Never been a problem before.

The problem comes when I wake up. I put on my clothes and went outside to check on the garden. As soon as I step out, my girlfriend (yes, we are a gay couple) throws the door open screaming that she needs help. Something about the cat.

I step back inside and our beautiful little kitty is going absolutely nuts. She is running up and down the house frantically, jumping all over and just generally acting like she's desperately trying to get away from something. Yep, she's got a trail of poop attached to her.

We chased her all over trying to catch that crazy fucker and also trying to keep her away from the bedroom. As she ran from room to room, bits of it would break off. My girlfriend ended up stepping in and smooshing cat poop all between the kitchen and living room. Finally I was able to snag her and manage to not let her weasel away from me. With some toilet paper, I began pulling on it, which I can assure you she didn't like. It became incredibly clear what happened at this point. Some long, light brown hairs were coming out of her butt, and the poop was tangled in it. Great. Problem solved. Now to clean up the bits that broke up all over the house.

Tl;dr: cat apparently ate my hair and tried to poop it out. Frightened by the tangled poop-monster chasing her, she proceeded to get it all over the house.

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7.  life_is_just_peachy fucked up by not knowing Indian customs 

So I work in an office with members from India and the US predominantly. One of the guys has recently shaved his head and I noticed a piece of hair left, I figured it was not a visible spot and that maybe he hadnt noticed they left a piece. So I offered to cut it off. Kinda making a joke at it saying they missed a spot.

He being super nice got up and quickly told me "my mother died, and in India, this is a custom" and so I had to awkwardly apologize, whilst giving my condolences, whilst a few co-workers saw my embarrassing situation and my awkward exit. To make things worse im one of those awkward laughers, so I laughed whilst giving my apology (at the same time in my head yelling at myself to stop)

TLDR: Coworker had a tuft of hair standing out after he shaved it, I offered to cut it off, turns out it's an Indian custom after someone loses a mother, awkwardly laughed, apologized and walked away.




8. harri_c fucked up by creating a web of lies

This happened on the weekend during a night at our friend's place. We were all drinking heaps and having fun, when all of a sudden dumbass me breaks this decoration thats worth like $1500. I have absolutely no clue what to do and so I just acted like nothing happened, and I remember this drunk person seeing it and going "shitttttt what happened!? Damn wasn't me, not my problem" and we all left the room. I ended up getting real messed up and forgot all about it, maybe that was that goal?

So morning rolls around and everyone getting up and shit, when someone realises the damage, and everyone that's still around at their house starts tryna fix it and solve who did it.

As someone with pretty bad social anxiety, my heart sank and I again had no idea wtf to do. Pray that they think it could have been someone else or get fucking by a $1500 bill (I am a student, currently jobless and financially stressed). When I got around to speaking, my brain chose the later but my mouth/anxiety chose the former.. and now I feel terrible.

There was then a manhunt for the culprit, and despite everyone being willing to chip in and help pay for this, they were adamant on finding out who it was because of the principle that I was too scared to speak up.

After speaking to some of them tonight, there is a chance it's on security camera.. help me!

I know I fucked up, but how do I not lose friends in this process?

TL;DR broke my friends expensive decoration and said it wasn't me, now I'm fucked



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9. Fupnumber99 fucked up by not checking their Amazon reccomendations.

This actually did just happen today. In fact, moments ago.

I had an important group presentation, and the other members asked me to pull it up on the computer. The loading screen was taking awhile, so some students were chatting while others were looking at what was being projected on the board.

Since the students were waiting patiently, I figured why not pull up my email, since the Google Slides presentation was recently sent and quickly accessible? So I did. And the first unread email, from Amazon, in big bolded letters is:

How many stars would you give 'Stripped: A Lesbian Romance'?

In a panic, I hit the X in the corner as quickly as possible and reopened Chrome to open up the presentation. Another guy who was presenting next to me stopped and froze, and before the class could get quiet, I jumped into our topic and tried to block out what just happened.

TLDR: Amazon asked me to rate a lesbian romance novel, and I projected this on the board in front of an entire class. So now I'm just assuming everyone in that class knows I have that book and am into girls.




10. theragingasian123 fucked up by being too excited about the bathroom.

This happened last night. After reading about how incredible bidets are from everyone here on reddit I finally bought one. My wife had absolutely no interest in it, but I was excited and wanted to show it to her. She was in the shower and the toilet is pointing toward the shower. Well I opened the curtain and I was showing her all of my handy work when I decided to turn it on for its maiden voyage. No one is sittin

g on it and I just assumed the stream wouldn't hit her. Well it did. In the face. The inevitable yelling and freaking out ensues because it's "toilet water" I know it isn't actually, but in her fit of rage that's what she thought... Slept on the couch

Tl;dr: shot my wife in the face with Bidet water. Proceeded to sleep on the couch for the night