If you're having a mediocre day, these tweets will make it ever-so-slightly better. But also maybe not. Who the hell knows? I don't know you.
1. Crazy if true.
Me: hey did you buy '100 Count Tennis Balls' from Amazon?-- Ygrene (@Ygrene) November 1, 2017
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
2. There's always a loophole.
GENIE:3 wishes-- MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) October 15, 2017
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn't count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
G:That sounds right
3. Well, the secrets out.
girlfriend: you never tell me what's going on inside your head-- Zachary Fox (@zackfox) October 30, 2017
meanwhile, inside my head: pic.twitter.com/SUf1wm3wlg
4. Damn, lucky.
Not trying to brag but my son's teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist-- Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) October 31, 2017
5. They're not 'gross,' you're gross.
Stop fat-shaming trucks pic.twitter.com/rTf2wMaVZ9-- REW (@therealeatwood) May 16, 2016
6. Every night.
Alex Trebek: (into mirror) Who is alex trebek-- kid block (@senderblock23) August 21, 2015
7. R-E-S-P waiiiit a minute.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect-- Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) September 15, 2017
me: can you use it in...a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
8. Carbon Bar!!
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth-- Ygrene (@Ygrene) September 2, 2017
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
9. Yeah living well seems like a ton of work, whereas brakes is like snip you're done.
"living well is the best revenge". yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right-- derek (@eedrk) February 6, 2017
10. Yeah, teachers. What's up with that, huh?
sex ed told us to practice safe sex and now 10 years later everyone's choking each other-- hey its me, peyton (@HoIIiday) October 19, 2017
11. Finally, the dogs understood. It was the day the barks stopped.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.-- Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) November 1, 2017
"See how annoying that is?"