Ugh, great, my hot cousin. Now I have to try to not stare at them awkwardly and pray to God I can hide my visible erection. Really hope they don't go for the full hug, otherwise I'm definitely going to have to take a few shame showers tonight.
I know it's not Great Aunt Marjorie's fault she's insanely old and in terrible health, but she's really making everyone super depressed. Try to make some pleasant smalltalk with her (and her oxygen machine) and she keeps talking about her inoperable tumor. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER WANTED SOMEONE TO JUST TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER.
Listen, Derek, when I was your age, I wasn't allowed to have an iPad all the time, let alone get to spend the entire holiday season staring listlessly at a Hearthstone Twitch stream for 8 hours straight. I had to endure nonstop boredom with the family, and so should you.
Ugh, great - ANOTHER hot cousin to contend with. Why are my family's genes so predisposed to making people attractive?!
Uncle Doug moves to the middle part of the couch to watch some football and BAM! Straight to sleep. Now no one can sit there without dealing with sleepy Uncle Doug snoring right next to them.
COME ON - since WHEN did Uncle Pat become such a damn snack?
JESUS, AUNT LINDA TOO?! I do NOT need mental images in my head of wanting to smash that, but I am NOT left with many options here.
OKAY UNCLE STAN MIGHT BE PRETTY RACIST BUT HE'S ALSO THICC AF. GODDAMN MY FAMILY IS HOT AS HELL.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IS A SNACK.
OH SO I HAVE TO WATCH MY HOT PARENTS STUFF THIS TURKEY AND I'M SUPPOSED TO THINK IT'S NOT HOT? THEY BASICALLY FUCKED IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.