1. Ladies planning for a bachelorette party

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Get your penis-shaped cake pans, and your penis-shaped bubble-blowing kits, and your penis-shaped balloons, and....well, get lots of penis-shaped accessories ready, because right before wedding season rolls around, Giggly Bachelorettes Entering a Sex Shop For the First Time season starts. This is the wildest and most daring thing any of them have ever done (they've ordered their dildos from the internet, LIKE A LADY), so please forgive them for their overenthusiasm and politely point them to the penis-shaped lollipops.



2. Teenagers who think sex shops are hilarious

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If you ever hear some light Beavis and Butthead-style low-pitch snickering followed by someone whispering "heh, check it out - BUTT PLUG," you know this sex shop has some teenagers in it (or literally Michael Scott from that one scene of The Office where he and Ryan visit a sex shop). And not just ANY teenagers - but teenagers who think the mere concept of sex is hilarious, so a shop dedicated to it is the funniest thing ever. Their reactions come from a place of ignorance and fear - they don't know anything about sex and the prospect is daunting to them, so they think giggling about dildos makes the whole topic a little more approachable. Ironically, they're laughing at objects that are far better equipped at sexually pleasing people than they will ever be.

 

3. Deeply repressed person who's both incredibly curious and super embarrassed to be there

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Trying to hide behind displays and shelves, avoiding eye contact at all costs, and very polite when they finally work up the courage to timidly ask you which buttplug you would recommend for a first timer - welcome to Repression Central. They've probably passed by the sex shop a thousand times, always wondering what it would be like to go inside...and now they're finally doing it. And really, they're the ideal customer - they're courteous, not into chit-chat, and will probably buy a buttload (literally) of stuff because they're on the biggest adrenaline rush of their lives at that moment.

 

4. "Regulars"

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If repressed first timers are the best customers, Regulars are the worst - they're always hanging around, weirdly flirting with clerks and anyone who comes in (in a way where they're convinced that they're "just being friendly), and they never buy anything. They think a sex shop is a good locale for meeting sexually open people, forgetting the reality that no semi-attractive sex-positive individual wants to have sex with the type of person who hangs out at sex shops looking to pick up strangers.



5. Someone claiming they're just buying stuff "as a joke"

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Uh huh. Sure, buddy. Sure, this is just for a gag. You really need ALL of this lube and the biggest dildo we have and some of the weirdest porn we have (even by sex shop standards) because you're "pulling a prank on a buddy." Reminder that you don't need to come up with some half-assed, wildly unbelievable lie to explain why you're buying stuff from a sex shop. This isn't a nunnery that happens to sell dildos or something - this is a judgment free zone.

Well, there will be some slight judging, but probably less than what you get at CVS or Walgreen's when you have to ring for a clerk to open the condom drawer and you go with a cheap brand.



6. Old people buying DVDs who must have not heard of the internet???

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Gonna be honest - no clue why people are buying DVDs of porn, especially from a sex shop. You're dealing with physical media, retail mark-up, AND limiting yourself from the boundless offerings of STREAMING VIDEO PORN. You know the internet exists, right?



7. Casual customers

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Casual shoppers are amongst the best, because they're such fascinating creatures - they're totally at ease at the sex shop, like they're at a drug store looking for a Gatorade or something, and show no embarrassment or anxiousness about asking if we've gotten any new nipple clamps or anything. They come in a variety of flavors - suburban dad, aging punk, young professional, etc. - but always have the same behavior: roll in, check out whatever they're looking for (or just mill around to see if anything piques their interest), pay for their stuff, and leave. Then, presumably, they go home to do shit to their nipples.



8. Person buying a Prince's Wand

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I really, really hope this person IS doing it as a joke. Please, I really hope you know what you're doing.



9. Couple looking to "experiment" who immediately realizes they aren't ready for this shit

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They come in, holding each other tight, trying to look inconspicuous (although the occasional giggle gives them away), their faces glowing with excitement: they're a couple and they're SO GIDDY over the idea of having sex in anything other than missionary position for the first time in their lives. One of them starts looking at the lubes and anal beads, the other at some handcuffs and lingerie...and as they start looking at what the other is interested in, their excitement turns to nervous laughter and then to utter draining despair as they simultaneously realize THEY ARE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. Back to missionary position, after a completely silent drive home.



10. Guy who you just KNOW is jerking off in the back

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You saw him when he came in and just instantly knew who he was: the guy who jerks off in sex shops. And what are you even supposed to do? You can't go all Minority Report and kick him out BEFORE he does it, even though you both know it's coming (no pun intended). And it's not like you actually want to catch him in the act, because c'mon - you don't get paid enough to have to see this dude jerking off in the least discreet way possible. All you can do is sigh and hope he finishes up quickly....and remembered to bring some tissues. Otherwise you're gonna have to clean up after him.