Cousin Sue and I both got divorces about the same time, we were both far, FAR more torn up by it than we let on, everyone in the family got tired of hearing us whine about our problems and basically told us to shut up, so we spent about 6 months getting shitfaced drunk together almost every night, getting pissed off at the whole world, and having angry sex.
Sales of my children's book would plummet if the porn novels I've written (under a pen name) ever got connected back to me.
I work in Advertising as a 3D Lighter for very high profile clients like Apple, Google, Facebook, etc.. my job is to ensure that every bit of Computer Generated Imagery is textured and lit in a way that matches how it would look in real life.
Funny thing is I'm severely red green colorblind. The only way I can tell what color something is supposed to be is by sampling a pixel on the screen and reading out the Red Green and Blue values. I've nearly memorized the hue numbers from 0-360 and where things fall in the rainbow chart. I've had shots come back to my inbox telling me that something that's supposed to be red looks too brownish green or something that's supposed to be dark green looks purple. I always say I accidentally had a hue shift on it at render time or make up some funny excuse like the lighting info from the shoot had a weird tinge to it. I've been doing this for seven years now and the only people who know are my girlfriend and best friend and family.
I made about 50 grand filming porn. Paid for college and haven't gone back to it. Would almost consider it as a fallback, but if it got out it would royally fuck up my current career. Thankfully this was from a day and age when pseudonyms actually kept people anonymous.
Throwaway because my co-workers know my reddit
A few years ago I worked in a huge warehouse of about 105 people. The warehouse supplied the local "china town" in a large city in the U.K. The Chinatown businesses were mostly all owned by one billionaire (ironically from Japan) who gave each one of these businesses to one of his sons.
He had 6 sons and (IIRC) there was only 8 restaurants/fast food's in the china town district.
Our warehouse supplied for 7/8 of those restaurants
I handled frozen food for some of the inbound trucks. I usually unloaded 300 boxes a day from trucks into the warehouse.
So one day I'm unloading boxes of shrimp when I come across a small unmarked box which was a different size to all the others. I set it aside until the end of the day and continued unloading.
So.. when the end of the day came I cut it open to see where it should go.
And all I found was pills, about 2,000 pills, small greeny/blue pills with "I5X" printed on them.
I knew straight away that these weren't flavour enhancing tablets or anything to do with the restaurants.
I got paranoid and didn't know what the fuck to do. So I took about 20 pictures on my phone of the box, and the pills and took 2 pills and hid them in my boot. And re/sealed the box and left it in the truck
A few days later (massively coincidental) police come snooping around the warehouse after someone was poisoned in one of the restaurants. They came asking about where we ordered our stock from.
Me: being scared shitless of having drugs in my boot crumbled and confessed what I had found
They informed me that they already had an open investigation into a drug trade in Chinatown, but after a few months they had nowhere else to look.
They took the pills as evidence and said they'd contact me in a few days. Weeks roll by and I've forgotten it. Out of the blue one day; about 30 officers show up and started cuffing people, taking documents out of the offices and seizing computers. A young officer pulls me outside to a van and tells me that the pill I had found was the "missing" key linking one of the billionaires son's business and a drug market coming in from Asia
After being questioned not much happened. Except that 33 people got arrested 17 got jail time and 4 got deported.
Not sure what was going on but apparently a bunch of Asian men and women were trafficking drugs through the warehouse and into restaurants. In which they would be sold to customers.
So what's the secret? Death threats to EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the warehouse. Most of them said things like:
WHEN we find out who did this, we will kill you and your family
Needless to say I quit my job and moved
What I have fantasized about while masturbating.
Everyone (including my family) thinks I went to a top 20 college. In reality, I failed out of community college. I work in Silicon Valley, managed to work my way up to a Director of Operations position. No idea what would happen if it ever came out.
Edit: I posted this below, but for those curious as to how this happened:
During a summer break from "college," a friend's father who owned a small (30ish employees) business gave me a job. I worked there during "college" and the year after I "graduated," gaining experience. I learned a lot, and became really great at what I do. Between my experience, my "degree," and glowing recommendations from my bosses, I was able to get a job at a start-up. From there, I worked my ass off, and got promoted internally twice; eventually, another start-up recruited me. That company grew to about 75 employees, and at that point, I was leading my own team of 10 people. Our COO left abruptly, and I wound up taking over his job duties. After about a month, they gave me the full promotion to Director.
More seriously, I worked at a giant company as a picker. I discovered that through an easy exploit, I could pick 2-3 items an hour and still hit 'curve'. Because everyone there is an idiot, they never questioned it and I was eventually promoted.
The position after that had me training hundreds of people in the warehouses. I discovered that my predecssor did shit all and didn't do paperwork for anyone. I made the mistake of telling my boss so the job of fixing 7 years of missing paperwork fell on me. Discovering it was a project destined to fail and hating the company, I made up hundreds of fake paperwork and filed them/entered them into the system.
Again, because where I worked everyone is an idiot, no one noticed for the 3 years I worked at the company despite much of it not making any sense (some of the names are signed "HAHAHA FUCK YOU I HATE THIS PLACE". I got further promotions for my 'productivity and did the same thing across multiple facilities.
By my estimate, roughly 30-40% of the company's Canadian records are obvious BS, yet I was never fired or found out.
I paid off my student loans writing smut -- and I mean real smut. Kinky, fetishy, no-plot strokebooks. I loved every last second of it.
Then I switched to writing mostly-wholesome romances under a new pen name. I doubt very much that my readers would enjoy the crossover, although who knows?
I cheated on a spelling test in grade 4 of primary school, and was awarded the Grade's Best Speller Award at the end of year assembly.
Was basically an escort. Technically a sugar baby but in reality it is just glorified escort. Only difference is that we would go eat dinner before fucking. Made $500 per date.
I lied on resumes and handed them to several places. If it came out I'd be back to flipping burgers for $10/ hour.
I've been telling my parents I've been going to college for the past 2 years but I'm actually just harvesting and selling large quantities of weed with my ex-girlfriends dad and putting all the profits into a savings fund.
I was bored and drunk, so I peed in my own mouth to see what it was like.
I am heavily into the BDSM scene. I am a high school teacher.
This coming out would ruin me.