1. This is very bad and not good in any way, GuessWhatIsInsideMe

My neighbor was bragging about how long her three-year-old son's penis was. She told my wife and I, "Everyone always says omg his penis is so long!" I'm just like, why the fuck have so many people seen your boy's wang?

2. Ya'll are just jealous cause your moms are fugly. From StoolToad9

This kid in middle school always bragged how hot his mom was. It was really weird.

3. Yeah but that's hard and takes work. I'd rather be a terrible person and a fraud, squeeeeenis

I don't understand Stolen Valor.

People buy and wear expensive ass military uniforms just so they can gallivant around the mall. They talk to kids, and boast to random people about their service. Is playing make believe really all that enthralling that you would risk both shaming yourself and breaking the law? If the prestige of being a member of the military means that much to you, then maybe you should join the army.

4. Last night I passed out from exhaustion, pretty tight huh? Via Hamish_Spicer

Being sleep-deprived. You see people in school or in high pressure professions brag about how little they slept as a sign of how hardcore or productive or important they are, but being sleep deprived makes you measurably dumber.

5. PancakeSanchez, he's cool can't you see

"I haven't read a book since 7th grade!"

Neat.

6. Wait hold on, did you actually get to SEE Assistant Manager Jason, KangoIVos?!?

Had a friend who liked to name drop people who are not celebrities, but he likes to feel important. "You see that guy over there? That's Jason. He's the assistant manager at the hardware store. Maybe he'll say hi to us." It's so embarrassing.

7. This is the one thing not to say when hanging out with a group for the first time, Mostlyamoron

A new guy at work was really weird and awkward but seemed nice enough so we invited him out for happy hour. I guess he was trying to fit in when was describing his shitty sex life with his ex wife and what a bitch she was, standard talk for divorced guys I suppose, and then he went on to detail how smooth his balls were because he had gotten them botoxed. As in he had to tell us how his ex was missing out because his balls were so smooth and how amazing it was, just...so many details that I did not ever need to hear about anyones balls, really...ever. Needless to say, he was never invited to happy hour again.

8. This dude is owning us all with all the money he has to pay to the government, SlickMaster69  

"Dude, I got like 8 speeding tickets last year. I drive way faster" -Oh, cool. I drive 9km over

9. Can't brag about things that everyone expects of you, ice_creem

not to steal from Chris Rock, but when people brag about taking care of their kids.

You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker.

10. UH SERIOUSLY THO I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING Shaw-Deez

How he keeps it real, and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Yet also seemed rather perturbed when I rolled my eyes at him. It's like he momentarily forgot to not give a fuck.

11. Ah the classic switcheroo, Molly_Malicious17

The size of his dick. That's not the dumb part though. The dumb part is that I was about to see it... And he lied. Like, wtf?!

12. So what this boils down to, captainmagictrousers, is that this man just has fingers

I used to work with a guy who bragged that he could read print with his fingers, like Daredevil. When I asked him to demonstrate on a newspaper, he admitted that it only worked on embossed print, like on our business cards. So he could read print by feel, but only raised print, and only if he'd seen it before. Not really an impressive trick.

13. Suck on that, everyone. From VeedleDee

Kid in my class bragged about how he stole an air freshener from the school bathroom. He was holding an unwrapped, wet urinal cake in his hand.