Hey, you. Yes, you. Take a break from scrolling through Facebook or Instagram and seeing how much fun your friends, family, and co-workers seem to be having. Take a break from the monotony of the workday. Take a break from whatever boring stuff you would otherwise be doing and enjoy some funny tweets. Why? Because you deserve it.
CollegeHumor Dot Com
1. Cops don't want you to know about this loophole, but it's extremely real* (*it is not extremely real)
cop: your car smells like weed-- j ø j ø 🍉 (@cloutboyjojo) January 23, 2018
me: whoever smelt it, dealt it
cop: oh shit
me: you're under arrest
2. Escaping dad jokes is the one legitimate reason to eat a laundry pod
dad just said "it's easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but it's more difficult to deter...gents" while laughing through the entire joke-- Daniyakuza Harrod (@danikaharrod) January 22, 2018
3. I would like 4 King's Wedges, please.
For those of you still wondering what The One True Way to slice a pizza is pic.twitter.com/oRCRZyedhY-- Becky Cloonan 🔮 (@beckycloonan) January 23, 2018
4. Remember when "internet tough guys" just said they wanted to beat you up, instead of threatening to murder a bunch of people and say Hitler is good? Pepperidge Farm remembers.
This is what 99% of people who tweet frog memes and claim they're "alpha" look like pic.twitter.com/vGJ843ycnb-- jordan (@JordanUhl) January 24, 2018
5. There is no more blessed comment than Papa Rockwell's.
Can't stop laughing at this comment Sam Rockwell's dad left on a NYT essay about Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri pic.twitter.com/nYKeP2xuLm-- Becky Sullivan (@becsully) January 21, 2018
6. "It's Uber for corn!"
We live in a post-parody society where it's impossible to invent anything more ridiculous than reality pic.twitter.com/HPGekRKENz-- Zack Bloom (@zackbloom) January 20, 2018
7. Although I do bet Michael Shannon has beautiful, delicate hands.
You don't know how disappointed I was when I realized that's not Michael Shannon's hand. pic.twitter.com/c4tM7GVo7z-- Carly (@brunchproblems) January 18, 2018
8. This is some next-level racism.
This is the worst Twitter conversation of all time. I don't even know where to start. pic.twitter.com/tl2xB4Ryv9-- Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) January 18, 2018
9. (*pauses to think*) "Holy shit..."
DATE: so tell me something about yourself-- EVERETT BYRAM (@rad_milk) January 18, 2018
ME: i am older than every dog
10. Siri is sick of your shy bullshit and is making BIG MOVES, so get used to it.
I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.-- Ceci ✮ (@CeciMula) January 17, 2018
11. My god - we've all been living a lie...
How the fuck did Miley Cyrus "look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign" if she "hopped off the plane at LAX." A cab can only drive east from the airport and the sign, north of the airport and facing south, would have to have been to her left. WAKE UP SHEEPLE-- Amy (@amyclizabeth) January 17, 2018
i carried around a wii remote today when i went to a frat party pic.twitter.com/3olFk0Qhn1-- anna greenwood (@annakathh) January 16, 2018
13. This is the most inspiring statement ever.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath I can survive anything-- Josh (@JoshAyyLmao) January 22, 2018