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If you thought you experienced some crazy airplane shenanigans on your handful of flights as a passenger, you don't have SHIT on these stories from pilots and flight attendants. Emphasis on shit...

1. wings907-- I am so intrigued by these gel packs. How could these things possibly work?

Used to fly a small commuter plane, 19 passengers, no door behind the cockpit, also no flight attendant. It's really loud so communicating is difficult, hand signals only kinda thing.

Just took off on a 30 minute flight and a passenger taps my shoulder, which startles the hell out of me because I can't see him approach me and I'm hand flying.

Turns out he just needs to take a leak, ok no big deal, except we don't have a bathroom on the plane. We do have these gel packs to use though, so I hand him one and go back to flying the airplane (no autopilot). 

The flight is full and I'm not sure where I expected him to go, back to his seat maybe? No, instead I look over to the other pilot and only inches away from our face is this dudes long wrinkly dick and hairy bush that probably hasn't been kept to in decades. As the guy is pissing in to the gel pack we hit some rough air and urine is going everywhere at this point, on the avionics, both of our uniforms, and my bag. If that wasn't enough, the whole plane saw it. 

Once he's done he hands me the gel pack, like I'm supposed to do something with it?? Oh no buddy, I hand him some napkins and point to go back to his seat.

2. OBAFGKM_-- Airport justice. 

My aunt is a flight attendant. 

She caught a guy fapping. She told him to put it away. She caught him again like 20 minutes later. They had cops waiting at the gate.

3. ChewyRat-- Yeah, gotta watch your words.

Not totally on topic, but I fly a lot for work, and one time I walked to the bathroom as a flight attendant was walking out. She saw me heading in right after her and said "be careful, there's a bomb in the bathroom". 

I think it was a nervous reference to her having just blown up the toilet, and she quickly realized what she said as I gave her a perplexed look walking in to the bathroom. She pulled me aside as I walked out, and apologized profusely probably knowing she'd have lost her job if someone less understanding had heard it.

4. KapitaanKrunch--  Haha, I love how he still went through with it.

Not me but a friend who's a flight attendant who came across this really stubborn male passenger who wanted a sanitary pad that he saw the flight attendant hand over to a female passenger, convinced that it was an eye mask thingy you put on before sleeping. Arguing with her about it, she finally gave in and gave the sanitary pad to the guy who coolly removed the anti-adhesive and stuck it on his eyes and went to sleep

5. Baron_VonLongSchlong -- A next level crazy cat lady.

Father was a commercial pilot; he has lots of stories. His most WTF NSFW story was probably having to deal with a lactating woman breast feeding her cat in coach.

6. Munkyspyder -- I refuse to believe this happens.

I was a flight attendant for 6 years. Summer flights to party islands like Ibiza, Mallorca and Mykonos could get quite raunchy. Like women boarding in fishnets, wanking & blow jobs at the back of the aircraft.

Edit: By fishnets I don't mean just tights, I mean full-body fishnets, no bra and the skimpiest thong you can imagine.

7. bomac3 -- A drink will not fix things. But that man a house.

My wife and I bought last minute tickets to a family event and could not get seats next to each other. Once we boarded, I convinced the guy sitting next to my wife to switch seats with me. Nice guy takes my assigned seat, which was next to a woman who was apparently suffering from the flu. Five minutes after take off, she projectile vomits, but tried to use a pillow to cover her mouth, which just made the vomit spray out sideways, all over the poor guy. He just sits there for a moment, frozen and the slowly turns back to look at me with this face that said, "You did this to me and I will forever hate you for it." I offered to buy him a drink but he ignored me. It was a six hour flight.

8. Bean44 -- Getting plastered + sleeping pills = bad idea

I was on a flight to China.

One of the passengers up in business class decided to take advantage of the unlimited drinks he was offered before take off. He got plastered.

When the plane started to take off, he decided to take a sleeping pill to tide him over for the 14 hour flight we were about to endure. 

Well - shortly after take off, the guy decided he needed to use the bathroom. He ventures back to where the stalls are - but shoots past them. He walks about 3 rows ahead of my row, whips out his member and pisses all over the row and the people in it.

They had to move the passengers, rip out the seats, and monitor the guy for the rest of the flight. Whatever happened to him, I have no idea - I'm just glad he didn't hold it in for 3 more rows.

9. BrosenkranzKeef -- Come on, Greg.

Survey pilot here: Sometimes when I'm flying back and forth for 5 hours straight I need to piss in a bottle. One of my coworkers had his dick slip out of the bottle while he was going full bore, and he pissed all over the instrument panel. You should have heard his desperation on the radio. A couple weeks later, for our bi-monthly rotation, a new guy took his plane, and we didn't tell him that Greg pissed all over it like a moron. Fucking Greg.

10. hicetubique -- How in the world did she get through?!

Not pilot or flight attendant... and actually happened during TSA screening.

After a weekend of EDC in Vegas, everyone is lined up to go home. Strike up conversation with the girl in front of us and she mentions how she had a surplus of party favors left over from said festival. She said she didn't know what to do with them and decide to take them before getting on the plane. TSA takes one look at her eyes and tells her to to lift up her shirt or something like that (didn't quite get the gist of it), and she lifts up her entire shirt with bra, flashing the TSA agent. She was promptly escorted into secondary.

Five minutes before the plane was due to take off, she ambles on the plane and finds a seat.

11. GenieIsHappyInCO -- Never make eye contact.

I am a flight attendant f27. An older woman walks into the bathroom and starts to loose conciseness so she calls for help. I assist her, place O2 on her and stabilize her (keep in mind she is seating on the toilet the entire time). She then tells me she needs "to finish". I am unable to leave her alone with the portable O2 bottle so I have to stand there and pretend it's totally normal/ok that this stranger is taking a shit right in front of me. We don't make eye contact. I'm still a little haunted.

12. RoronoaZoro1102-- The wank of shame. 

Obligatory not me but a friend of mine disclaimer. 

I have a female friend who flies transatlantic as a flight attendant. She told me a story of how one of the passengers had been in the bathroom for at least 15 mins. Being a busy flight, people were pissed off and complained to her that he had been in there for a long time.

She went to the door, knocked a couple of times with no response. Obviously being concerned for this passengets safety, the doors were opened. Inside was a guy on toilet, trousers around ankles, headphones in his phone with porn playing and flaccid penis in hand. Bro fell asleep while whacking it in an airplane toilet. Embarrassment ensued!

13. jekylphd -- And the hands down winner. Or loser.

A couple of our boys were on the return leg of an offshore crew change. Fifteen minutes out from the deck, they catch movement in the back - one of the passengers has unbuckled his harness and is getting up out of his seat. Big 'no' on a helicopter. But before they can do or say anything, the guy grabs an airsick bag, drops his dacks, positions the bag under his bum and lets rip.

The bag lasted maybe three seconds. 

'Explosive' does not do this bout of diarrhea justice. Volcanic might not. If I hadn't seen the photos, I wouldn't have believed it. It coated the floor, his seat, the seats beside it and the poor sods in them, splashed the windows and ceiling and row of seats behind. Shit.  Everywhere. And the smell

The real kicker is that, even though they're only fifteen minutes from the rig, they couldn't go back. If they did, the chopper would be stuck on the deck until it could be decontaminated by a cleaning crew. There's only one deck, so we'd have to send a second helicopter out to winch down said cleaning crew, a dangerous and expensive operation. Meanwhile, everyone due to come off swing in the next few days would be stuck on the rig until we did, while there wouldn't be enough beds in the town for the incoming crews. And the nature of the rig is such that it can't fully operate while there is a chopper on deck; literally millions of dollars in lost production. One dude with a rumbly tummy he didn't tell the rig medic about because he was just that keen to get home, and several hundred people are, potentially, right up shit creek.

So, they take one for the team and push on. Tell the culprit to sit back down and put his harness back on and pray for a tailwind. Two hours flying back to base. It's Australia, tropical and summer, and commercial helicopters don't have great aircon. The smell gets worse, and worse, and it's not helped when some of the guys have to use the sickbags for their intended purpose. By the end of the flight, the pilots are all but flying with their heads out of the cockpit windows just to breath, and have given serious consideration to landing as soon as they were over the mainland. Or any land. 

When they finally got in, it was approaching swamps of dagobah level stank. Never had a disembark that fast, and you'd better believe the pilots did shutdown in record. There was a queue for hoses. 

When the engineers started to do a damage assessment, it was even worse. That shit was runny, and grainy, and found its way into every crack and crevice and bolt-hole. The seats nearest to the guy were literally soaked in shit and puke and it was in the life vests and cabin raft. There was even splash in the cockpit.  Everywhere. We had to fly in a specialist cleaning crew - the kind that normally does crime scenes - and fully strip and dismantle the cabin down to bare fuselage. In the end, the guy's seat and the seat of the guy to his right were so saturated, so caked and stained and soaked with his shit that we had to write them off. Tens of thousands for replacement, plus more in maintenance and lost flying time.

The guy in that second seat? Sat there, coated head to toe in his seatmate's shit the entire flight without moving or saying a single word.