If you're thinking about how lonely you are while eating Chinese food in the bath, you gotta admit one thing: being single has it's perks.
You dont have to compromise anything (I GET TO WATCH STARSCAPE ALL DAY EVERY DAY, FUCK THE BACHELOR AND YOU , BETH), you get the ENTIRE bed to yourself, and hell, drink out of the orange juice carton straight from the fridge if you feel like it.
Plus, dating is a hellscape that truly makes you want to bury your dick 6 feet under after the tenth failed attempt at a first kiss.
But hey, don't take it from us, take it from these veterans of love.
In college I went out for a going away party for a friend. There, I met some chick that a bunch of my friends know. We got pretty trashed, and had fun. Did shots. Danced. Did shots. Sang karaoke. Did jagerbombs. Chatted while smoking cigarettes on the patio. Did shots. Smoked a bowl on the patio. Drank beers. Did more shots. Really liked each other.
So we exchanged numbers before leaving, and said we'd go out next week. Now, 20 minutes after leaving i literally passed out and landed on my face, because i was fucking trashed. So I was in prime condition this night. This girl knew I liked to party. (As only college kids can, and horrifies me now- how did I survive?!)
So, next week comes, and we line up a date. Since we don't know each other super well, we'll go to that same bar, where a bunch of mutual friends will be. We sit with them on the patio, and we chat. She's cute. But, that's all she has going for her. I find out we are absolute polar opposites. Her dad's a preacher, and she loves Jesus, and she doesn't like art, and she's waiting for marriage, and she doesn't like fishing, and hunting is cruelty, and the outdoors are icky, and I'm getting one word answers saying she doesn't like anything I talk about, while she doesn't even try to make conversation. It's so awkward that our mutual friends are bailing, shifting further and further away from us, until there are only three of us left in our section and everyone else is on the other side of the patio.
After about 45 minutes, I decide I'm going to need like 8 more drinks to make it through this. I ask if she needs another drink, and go inside to the bar. While I'm waiting, I say, "nope, fuck it." And I leave. I bail right out the back door. I don't even care, I don't say goodbye, I just leave. And delete her number from my phone on the way out. I stagger to a friend's house, explain that I was on the shittiest date ever, and proceed to get blackout drunk.
Three days later, a mutual friend who we'll call Kevin says, "man, that date was pretty brutal, but it wasn't right how she treated you." "I know man, right?" "Yeah. I can't believe you went to get her another drink, and she left before you got back. That was really shitty."
That's right. This date went so poorly we both bailed without telling the other person, and neither of us ever tried to contact the other one again.
I went on a POF date with a girl. The set up was fun, we decided not to talk at all before we met, kinda like a real date would go before the internet. So we were both excited, set up to meet at an old bar in the city. I got there early, she arrived 5 min later. We talked, she suggested we eat. I wasn't super hungry, but got something. She drank about 4 drinks. During conversation, we had a lot in common, worked at the same place about a month apart, same movies, music, etc. Then at the end, I ask for the check. She says she needs to go to the bathroom, and then gets up and straight leaves. Just right out the front door, adios. I went back to ask her why she did that, she deleted her account. I'm not entirely sure she wasn't just a very hungry ghost.
It was the first time we'd met, and the guy made 5 rape jokes in less than 10 minutes, and then insisted that I "lighten up."
Took her to a quiet bar and grill, ordered a beer, and listened to her lecture me about how I am using beer to hide / deal with my insecurities. I ordered a 2nd and a 3rd.
I had an era when I kind of dated or hooked up with about half a dozen girls from the same (loose) group of people, more or less back-to-back. The 2nd to last was someone I had always thought being way way out my league so even tho the whole thing had started to feel weird I was glad to go out with her when she asked. We had an ok date and ended up at her place. We did the deed, after which she just bluntly says: "I don't think you should stay the night. To be honest I just wanted to see what the fuss was about and not to offend you but I don't get it."
Did not feel grand.
He brought me to titty bar. It was my very first date.
Girl was bored with me, sees an old flame of hers by the bar, and within about twenty minutes, they were making out. I was standing right there.
I had just been fired from my job, moved back in with my parents, and hadn't been on a date with a woman in months.
Not exactly the highlight of my life.
Back in college, this really hot girl in several of my classes starts flirting with me, laughing at my jokes, asking me for help with the assignments, complimenting me. After a few days, she asks what I'm doing after class; she needs to do a favor for her aunt, then we can have dinner and "see what happens." I'm all over that.
I drive her to her aunt's house. She introduces me to another guy that's already there, and tells him I'm there to help. He shows me what we're doing, replacing a flight of stairs going up to her kitchen door (the ground floor was the garage and storage). Never done anything like this, but she's hot, so I'm game. She disappears after we get started.
About 30 minutes in, we've got the stairs assembled (it was a kit, and the other guy knew what he was doing), and wrestle it into place. We hadn't spoken too much beyond instructions, so I ask "so how do you know Julie," thinking he's a cousin or something.
"Oh, we've been dating for about a year." I freeze, he looks at me. "Oh, shit, man, I'm sorry. I thought you were just a friend from school. She's done this before, but she promised me she'd stop." He goes on a little about how she likes to manipulate guys to prove she's still "got it." At one point he says "I'd leave her, but the sex is incredible;" I make some remark about twisting the knife, and we both have a laugh over it. He was actually pretty cool about it and insisted I take $60 for helping.
She came back with McDonalds for me. Drove home alone. She hardly spoke to me in class after that, which was fine with me. Any time I saw her flirting with a guy after that, I'd quietly warn them off.
Went on a date with a girl. Got talking about each other's family. She found out my surname was the same as a well known former terrorist. Asked if I was related in a joking manner.
In a deadpan reply I said "We don't talk about Uncle Johnny". She immediately excuses herself saying she needed the toilet before I can drop my serious face, never returns. I finish my meal and just leave the cash on the table.
So I went on this date with one of my Physics TAs in my first year of uni.
We had met for coffee before and it was fine, so we went to see a movie. I picked Life of Pi, which is like three fucking hours long, which is relevant later on.
So I pick this guy up, we go to the movies. The whole drive he has his sweaty ass hand on my upper thigh. I swear there was a sweat handprint on my jeans when we finally got to the movies. We get out of the car, he stops to kiss me. Kinda cute, okay. He does this like six more times between the car and the door of the theatre.
So I'm already kind of not into the date but I'm like whatever, I'll sit through the movie and gorge myself on popcorn and not have to deal with it. So we sit down and I'm holding on to that popcorn bag for dear life so I don't have to risk any contact.
After a few minutes he whispers "can I lean my head on your head?" and all I could say through my snack-filled maw was "Ummmdfsghjsfgj" which he translated to yes. Then every few minutes:
"Can we move up the armrest" "Can I hold your hand" "Can I touch your leg" "Can we share that popcorn" (Bitch no, you said you didn't want any earlier.) "Can I have some of your drink" (Only 1 straw motherfucker.)
Shit like that for the entire movie. At one point, he strokes his hand across my face (still sweaty), decides that's his favourite movie-date activity, and proceeds to essentially pet me on the head for a solid 30 minutes. The cherry on top was when he was finished petting me, he let his hand drop down to my chest and cupped a boob. Then I just wriggled out of his python embrace, put the armrest down, and stared straight ahead the rest of the time.
Afterwards in the car home, he asked if we could be "exclusive." I think my response was "Uhhhhhhhh no chance."
6 months later he asked me to go out with him again and I said no, he got mad and called me asexual.
I went out with a guy from Tinder who turned out to be legitimately crazy. He regaled me with stories of how he assaulted police officers, burned his arm to impress girls, spent significant time in a psych ward, and lost his virginity to an overweight prostitute.
He also told me that my eating disorder made him feel better about himself because it made me crazier than he was and that I had obvious acne scars.
After our disaster date, he wouldn't stop contacting me, even going so far as asking me to stay in a rented house with him in another city and claiming I had ruined his entire year. I deleted Tinder immediately after that.
Went on a date with a wealthy bigger woman who was used to getting her way with men. We had become friends over the past few weeks due to mutual friends and hanging out at social gatherings.
She asked me to go drinking with her, so I said sure! When we got to this little hole in the wall bar, I was then introduced to all her drinking friends. I'm assuming the people that frequent this bar. Anyway, she started trying to aggressively make out with me in front of her friends and talk about how shy I was being. After I told her I didn't feel comfortable she then, in front of the whole bar, yells, "HOW MUCH WEIGHT DO I NEED TO LOSE FOR YOU TO DATE ME."
I got the impression I was no longer welcome at the bar, if everyone's looks could kill, I would have died 100 times. I left quickly.
A girl reached out to me for a date. When she came to the date, she showed up, waved at me, left, then called me. Apparently she had put me in her phone as someone else and scheduled the date with me thinking I was that other person.
We ate together anyway.
I was volunteering at a Master studies orientation market when we met. Cute girl, had a nice chat, set up a date. I think I was 22 or 23 at this time.
When the day comes I pick her up at her place. Turns out she lives with her mom and they have a rather childish argument about whether or not her bicycle lights are working but alright. Mom's will be moms.
We have dinner and talk about this and that. She tells me about her horse, I tell her about when I tried horseback riding as a kid and we laugh. She talks about an actor who is sooo cute. So instead of taking a walk downtown after dinner we decide to go see the latest movie with that actor because why not, it's kind of chilly anyway.
During the intermission we talk about music and she hasn't heard of any of the bands I listen to which is odd because they're all basically evergreen pop and rock acts. I ask her about the music she likes and she mentions a whole bunch of current boy bands.
I'm starting to have a horrible hunch and ask her a few more questions before I finally give in to that sinking feeling and ask her the question... "How old are you?"
Turns out she's fourteen... and a half. The guy behind us just about chokes on his popcorn as he realizes what's happening. Turns out she wasn't at the orientation market to find a master study, she was tagging along with her older sister who I never met or heard about.
Perfectly lovely person but I felt so stupid.
Very hot girl agreed to meet me at the bar I worked in when I finished and then we would go for drinks after. I was running late however so I was in the office cashing up and said i'd be down in 15 and she should get a drink at the bar. Maybe she was nervous or something because she pounded an entire bottle of wine and got completely wasted then when I came down she started screaming at me, telling me I was missing out and she had worn "special underwear" for me. While screaming at me she walked away backwards and fell face first down an entire flight of stairs, knocking herself unconscious and knocking out her front teeth in the process. As she fell, her dress went up over her head, and showed everyone in the bar her "special underwear" which was her and my names crudely stitched on a pair of beige granny pants.
It gets worse.
I called her an ambulance as she was in a state but she was very confused and though our date was still happening. She got out her make up and stated trying to put on, smearing blood and snot all over her face. She was very unsteady and couldn't concentrate or walk straight but I stayed with her as she tried her best slurry 'date chat'. I was helping her walk to the ambulance when she half fainted and fell - the doorman and I managed to catch her before she hit the ground and he picked her up and carried her the rest of the way. She came to long enough to throw up all over herself and the doorman, he slipped on it and managed to SMASH her head off a car bonnet, knocking her out again and once again showing the special underwear to the gathered crowd.
It gets worse.
She was out for the count and I knew very little about her apart from her name, so they asked me to go with her to the hospital. I agreed and we headed off. When she came to in the ambulance she was extremely confused and thought we had been on the date and it had gone so well we were heading back to my house for sexy fun times. She tried to take her clothes off and kept trying to unbutton my jeans, doing her best sexy face at me with her smashed up face covered in blood and vomit.
Still not done.
When we got to the hospital she couldn't remember anything so they took her off to treat her. I then sat in the waiting room until I was promptly accosted by 2 policemen. She had woken up, and told the nurse that she thinks I beat her up. So I spent the night in the police station being interviewed about why I beat a woman half to death. I had to eventually get my boss to show the police the cctv of her falling down the stairs, and from outside before they let me go.
All in all not the best date.