Twitter is great for mindlessly scrolling and hoping for a laugh. Well we have removed the hope aspect, because these tweets are pretty much guaranteed to garner a laugh, or at the very least a smile, or at the very least a thought of 'ha.'.
1. ARE HEARTBEATS SUPPOSED TO BE HARD TO TALK OVER?
Coffee: Would you like to be more productive-- Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 12, 2018
Me: Hell ya
Coffee: Would you also like to be super aware of your heartbeat
Me: Wait what
Hey I just realised:-- Flora underscore underscore Flora 🦄🦋 (@Flora__Flora) February 10, 2018
That guy with the eye
3. Don't sleep and text.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help pic.twitter.com/nmjl0MbT4q-- Cohen is a Ghost (@skullmandible) February 13, 2018
4. It is literally their zone. They are there and they enjoy it. Have fun, friends.
I keep all my boys in the friend zone cause they're my friends and I wouldn't have them anywhere else-- Trevor Lyon (@LyonatLarge) February 13, 2018
5. And we commend your attempt.
sorry everyone. i tried. i really did pic.twitter.com/P5Auz3bNq3-- eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) February 9, 2018
Luigi Luge you're welcome pic.twitter.com/K5ZanQnTcx-- Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) February 12, 2018
7. I'm fucking the raccoon, Cindy.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?-- Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
8. And the Oscar goes to...'Grinding Nemo."
From now on please refer to "The Shape of Water" as "Grinding Nemo."-- Katie Rich (@katiemaryrich) February 13, 2018
9. Gamestop, you monsters.
10. Damn, her sleep puns are better than our regulars.
For the first time, I made a pun out loud in a dream last night. My friend gave me earrings that had German writing on them and I said "these are Aryan earrings...ary-rings." This feels like a step I can't come back from-- Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 4, 2018
11. Better to be safe than sorry.
lacroix is like drinking sprite with a condom-- jaboukie young-black (@jaboukie) February 13, 2018