1. "I am not one for sweets."
"Enjoy your cookie. I will be eating oatmeal." pic.twitter.com/OPCZLABRAg-- Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) February 20, 2018
2. Shoulda gave birth instead.
HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I'm talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.-- Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) February 20, 2018
ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?
HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.
3. Sounds about right.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg. pic.twitter.com/JUBvnPAnLn-- Rachel Klein (@racheleklein) February 18, 2018
4. Yeah that's gotta be the reason.
I think Pepsi is number two solely because the plural of Pepsi is Pepsis and that looks like a diagnosis-- Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) February 21, 2018
5. There's always that person.
petty level: blocking people who comment on my battery life on screenshots-- christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 21, 2018
6. Get the medium Jesus. Then everyone's happy.
i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table-- birthray mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 22, 2017
A tombstone is the ultimate pinned tweet.-- Sean Brewster (@TheSeanBrewster) February 21, 2018
8. Miss you, Kirk.
today would've been kurt cobain's 50th birthday! "even flow" is my favorite song pic.twitter.com/yte1NcFH8D-- Brooke Carrera (@brookecarrera) February 20, 2018
9. Who could forget And the beanstalk.
Shout out to the top 5 jacks in the world, car, flap, phone, Cracker and hit the road.-- George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) February 21, 2018
10. Only a psychopath.
What kind of spontaneous nutcase clicks on 'take a new profile picture' and just bangs one out there and then-- Dave (@Daveeee129) November 3, 2016
i used to have a sense of humor and laugh at actual funny jokes but now i just laugh at pics like this pic.twitter.com/lrKsyegAnk-- 🔪 (@bleuvaIentine) February 20, 2018