1. Your heart is TOO filled with love, beyond what you even understood as love before
It's like - hey! Stop being the most precious thing in the entire world and making my heart swell with emotions I never before knew were possible! Ugh!
2. You've just got TOO many cute pictures to share on social media and with relatives
Wow, I mean - I can only post SO many cute, adorable photos a day! And it's not really fair to OTHER people on Instagram and Facebook, because my photos are just too engaging and incredible and so it always buries THEIR posts in the algorithm.
3. Your life is TOO full of meaning and focus
You know that feeling when life suddenly clicks into place WAY TOO MUCH and you just know exactly what you're doing and why? C'mon -
4. Oh fuck is she crying again goddamn it's 4am I am never going to sleep an entire night again am I fuck
Jesus Christ she was doing so good with sleep and now she's regressing and I'm trying to rock her back to sleep and I have to wake up for work in like 2 hours and now I'm going to be exhausted all day fuck fuck FUCK
5. Your spirit is lifted TOO much when she smiles and laughs her cute little laugh
UGH - her pure, unfiltered joy is just TOO AMAZING. It's almost unfair how incredible everything she does makes you feel lighter than air and happier than you've ever been.
6. There are toys everywhere and she threw up a bunch of baby food and milk on me, my entire life revolves around this poop machine whose entire future rests on my shoulders Jesus Christ this is too much pressure
Oh my god what I get fired or the stock market crashes and destroys the economy and I can't afford anything or what if she gets baby cancer and I lose my health insurance crap crap crap CRAP shit
7. Watching your young daughter learn to crawl, to walk, to say words, and everything in between is just TOO majestic
Ugggggggh....she is becoming a person before my very eyes (which are filled with tears caused by a level of jubilation I never before thought possible) and it is an absolute privilege to behold.
8. I used to have free time what happened to that
i cant go out unless we find a babysitter and she's so little what if the babysitter does something wrong what if the baby stops breathing will the babysitter know to check that she's breathing OH GOD???
9. Oh god am I letting her watch too much TV? Am I already breaking her brain? Should I be teaching her Mandarin? MY FRIEND'S KID ALREADY KNOWS MANDARIN SOMEHOW, HOW THE HELL IS THAT POSSIBLE????
I AM RUINING THIS CHILD'S LIFE WITH MY IGNORANCE AND NEGLIGENCE OH GOD HELP ME
10. OH GOD THIS PERFECT PRECIOUS ANGEL COSTS SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY AND MONEY AND I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I AM MORE STRESSED OUT THAN I EVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE AND THIS IS THE STRANGEST MIX OF EMOTIONS EVER
Also, my stress disappears TOO much when she runs up to hug me when I get home every night.