WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE "A QUIET PLACE", OBVIOUSLY.





1. Why not set up camp near the waterfall or river?

undefined

We know there are relatively few ways for humans to protect themselves against the "Death Angels" who wiped out civilization as we know it - being extraordinarily quiet at all times, very specific high pitch frequency sounds, and consistently noisy areas, like the rushing water of a river or a waterfall.

So, hey, maybe instead of living on a farm (where there are no natural background noises to drown out any accidental noises you may make, like say a falling picture frame), why not set up camp next to a waterfall? Not only would you be a little freer with your ability to talk and make noise, but you WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DYING WHEN YOU'RE 8 MONTHS PREGNANT AND TRYING TO GIVE BIRTH WHILE REMAINING TOTALLY SILENT. For real - Evelyn was 8 months pregnant, and they KNEW giving birth would be a possibility at pretty much any moment. She'd given birth THREE TIMES BEFORE, and my guess is she understood that the birthing process can be a little bit painful - especially when you live on a post-apocalyptic Earth and have no access to doctor, anesthetics, or anything that could dull the pain.

If they didn't want to set up permanent camp by a waterfall (and I'm not sure why they wouldn't, given the circumstances), they should have AT LEAST set themselves up at a temporary one there once Evelyn entered her third trimester.



2. Why were newspapers printing headlines like "Sound is the key" when that would mean they knew the sound of the printing press would attract the monsters?!

undefined

A Quiet Place does an extraordinary job at giving the audience all the exposition they need without any characters actually having to say it, simply from the detritus left behind in the ruins of society. The grocery store is largely ransacked, except for crunchy noisy bags of potato chips and the like. And, notably, there are old newspapers strewn about - about how society was falling and that "sound is the key."

But it's that last headline that gives me pause - because if newspaper journalists knew the monsters were attracted to sound, you know what would be a TERRIBLE idea? Continuing to run a mass-scale printing press to get the message across, because those kind of industrial machines are LOUD. AS. HELL. You know what else is loud? Newspapers - made of a kind of paper that crinkles and crunches very easily, making a decent amount of noise if you were flipping through one.

Honestly, it's pretty impressive the monsters didn't destroy every printing press in the world (along with killing all the people who ran it) on day one.



3. How do they fart? Or poop? WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY SNORE?!

undefined

Consciously, the Abbotts are able to control themselves to a pretty extreme degree, to the point where they basically don't make any recognizable noises for something like a year and a half (barring one sliiiight misstep involving a toy rocket). It's really impressive - but I'm still not sure how exactly they account for the more "involuntary" noises the human body can make.

I'm talking about farting, pooping, and snoring. Sometimes, I just have a real nasty fart, and I can't help it. Sometimes, my poop is loud as hell and that's just the way it is. Especially with Regan, the deaf daughter - sometimes I THINK I'm doing a quiet fart, but then it comes out and it's loud. Would Regan even be aware?

But at least those two things are happening while I'm conscious, and I could hold a pillow up to my ass or something if I really had to. But then comes snoring - and I got no way to deal with that. Do the Abbotts always have one person stay awake, ready to throw a pillow on any family member who might snore? Do they all just happen to be perfect sleepers who never snore?

Just give me ONE scene of John Krasinski taking an extremely cautious dump, that's all I ask.



4. Why didn't they try to abort the baby? Or use EXTENSIVE birth control?!

undefined

Okay, this is something of an unsavory question, but one I couldn't help wondering during the film - WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD THEY ALLOW THEMSELVES TO HAVE A BABY?!

Beyond the reality of the birthing process being LOUD and PAINFUL and DANGEROUS AS HELL (no doctors can be a REAL problem when you need a c-section), it's what comes after that could cause the most trouble: the baby itself. Have you ever tried explaining to a newborn baby that they MUST be quiet or everyone will die? Hint - it will not work out. Babies cry. A LOT. And loudly. And there is no way you can reason with a newborn.

So...they obviously probably shouldn't have been having any sex without extensive birth control (and really, I find it a littttttttttle hard to believe they were ever feeling too sexual in the nightmare hellworld they were in JUST A FEW MONTHS after their youngest child had been brutally murdered by A LITERAL MONSTER), but when Evelyn did figure out she was pregnant (cue images of trying to stay silent while heaving during morning sickness), why didn't they do anything about it?

Keeping the baby meant endangering EVERYONE'S lives - Evelyn, Lee, and their two other children. It wouldn't have been that difficult to find some pharmaceutical drugs that would essentially act as a chemical abortion, to spare themselves the risk a baby would present.

Or, of course, JUST GO LIVE NEAR THE GODDAMN WATERFALL.



5. They sure planted A LOT OF CORN with no machinery or technology (and in PERFECT rows, too), huh?

undefined

Listen - they probably had A LOT of time on their hands, given they couldn't talk or do anything that would make noise, but the idea of planting THAT MANY CORN FIELDS with such perfect precision AND ALSO HARVEST IT without using any machinery and without making any noise strains believability a bit too much (I realize I'm saying that about an alien-monster movie). The film mostly does a great job at worldbuilding and displaying (with great attention to detail) how the Abbotts have managed to survive and the lengths they've had to go to, so the fact that John Krasinski and Emily Blunt have somehow John Henry'd all 20th century farming innovations WHILE REMAINING TOTALLY SILENT is a bit much.



6. How were RACCOONS still alive?!

undefined

Raccoons are noisy goddamn little critters - and while pretty much every other kind of animal bit it over the course of the year-and-a-half the movie covered, somehow RACCOONS were still alive? Raccoons are loud as hell and don't give a damn about anything - there is no way they would have made it THAT LONG (although the movie does obliterate the poor lil guys pretty much immediately after introducing them).



7. So a shotgun and some high frequency noise was able to kill the creature? BUT ALL THE WORLD'S MILITARY MIGHT COULDN'T FIGURE OUT SOMETHING AS EFFECTIVE?!

undefined

We know the combined might of all the militaries in the world couldn't fend off the monsters - all of the technology and power they had were worthless when going up against these beasts. But, then again, they never tried "high pitched noises" and "shotguns" apparently? Given their armor clearly doesn't cover their entire bodies, wouldn't just a bunch of flamethrowers and bombs been pretty effective against them, even without the high-pitched noise?



8. How is John Krasinski THIS FUCKING TALENTED?!

undefined

So, let's get this straight: not only is John Krasinski one of the most charming, effortlessly funny leading men in sitcom history, but he's one of the most gifted, compelling dramatic actors around? AND ALSO HE DIRECTED THIS THING?!

I guess it shouldn't come as the biggest surprise - on The Office, he was able to communicate more with a facial expression than most actors could do with a full page monologue. His whole deal has been honing the ability to say so much without saying anything at all - a talent that provides endless returns in both comedy and drama. And goddamn, was this a beautifully directed film. So many scenes dripping with tension, using sound in ways few films have ever thought to do. Crafting fully-developed characters and relationships using only visuals - and having them still be so likable and captivating. Oh, and also HE CO-WROTE THIS?!

So - he was an integral part of one of the best sitcoms ever, he just started his directing career with one of the best debuts ever, and OH YEAH he's a handsome lumberjack man who made me and everyone else in the theater weepy as hell. Also he's TOTALLY JACKED:

undefined

No one should be allowed to be THIS talented and THIS handsome.