If there is any porn parody you would like to see reviewed, please for the love of God keep it to yourself.


If you're someone who's been itching to crank it to porn based on the animated television series Adventure Time, but for some reason you like, don't know how to access porn, or you just prefer getting off to someone recapping porn in an article after they have watched it, then boy are you in the right place.

Welcome to the porn review of Woodrocket's Assventure Time. If you're not a big Adventure Time freak, you may find my previous reviews on other acclaimed intellectual properties such as: Spongebob, Rugrats, Pokemon, Toy Story, and Dragon Ball Z.

Let's hop right into it.

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Assventure Time opens with an acoustic, campy take on the Adventure Time theme song that goes:

Assventure time, come bang your friends,

And use more than your mouth and hands.

Jerk the dog, and Sinn the man

The cum never ends,

Assventure time.

With the knowledge that the cum never ends, we open on the Ice Peen in his ice castle, who is very upset over the fact that Sinn and Jerk have posted rude comments about him on Icetagram.

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I'm not sure what kind of response Ice Peen was looking for in posting a professional portrait of him rubbing his nipples, but I guess this was not it. Sinn and Jerk are being unnecessarily mean to a man who, it appears, has no other followers on Icetagram.

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Speaking to legitimately no one in his ice cave alone he goes, "Sinn and Jerk, you two iceholes are gonna realize that once you mess with the Ice Peen, you're going to get the cold shoulder." As we will see later this threat amounts to absolutely nothing. He laughs a bunch to himself and then we cut to Sinn and Jerk's house. Instead of a normal tree house, it is of course a penis tip house.

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We open on Sinn who's asking Jerk "Do you think there's an alternate universe where Josh Gad isn't doing an impression of Josh Gad and people think he's funny?"

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Before we have an opportunity to answer this for ourselves, we cut wide and all cognitive brain function reassigns itself to digesting the sight of Jerk, played by Kassondra Raine (Put A Wiener In Her Mouth, Horny Wife Wants a Stranger).

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She's quite the unpleasant little potato to look at, like if Charlie Brown and Snoopy got their DNA scrambled but also in the process lost a ton of weight and so their skin is really baggy and hasn't adjusted to the new body yet.

Anyway Jerk's all like "Dude, I don't have time to think about crap like that, I have reading to catch up on." She takes out her phone, which is opened to YellowCockCravingBitches.com, (unfortantely not an actual site I checked) and exclaims, "She's definitely in heat" in reference to this dog. Because he is a dog and wants to fuck dogs. 

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Sinn thinks this is gross, and in the first of several instances to come, makes it clear he has not had sex and seemingly is disgusted by it. Jerk I guess turns her phone off, but for some reason an animation and sound are used that make it seem like she just turned off a television, which is confusing and didn't need to happen.

Jerk turns to Sinn, locked and loaded to drop some hamfisted porn exposition, and says "Hey Sinn, you turn 18 today - you're finally a man. You can start enjoying manly things."

"Like earning 25% more salary than a woman?"

"Yeah."

"Mathmatical!"

They hop up for a very robotically orchestrated high five.

Their jubilation is interrupted when the door opens and tiny footsteps can be heard. Sinn and Jerk follow their tiny guest's entrance in with their eyes. It is of course, Creamo, a big blue dildo.

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"Sup Creamo, it's Sinn's birthday, you ready to party you little pussy pounder?" This is how I greet every guest that enters my home.

Creamo is unable to party because he's got a date tonight with a talking fleshlight, "so as long as she's not defective, I'm going all the way".

Sinn again expresses that he thinks this is gross, in addition to saying that he "doesn't get it". Creamo explains to him he will understand soon because today he is a man, and then leaves. Sinn is really being set up for the classic hero's journey of being a nerd virgin boy disgusted by sex who becomes an ab-having fuck machine who loves2cum.

As Creamo exits, Marceline and Princess Bubblegum aka Whoreceline (April O'Neil - Topless Girls Play Hungry Hungry Hippos!, Jon Snow Loses his Virginity to Ygritte in a Cave) and Princess Bubblecum (Ela Darling - SEXY NEW WAVE GIRLS MASTURBATION COMP, "Laughing and Cumming Loudly") enter with a box.

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Sinn asks what's in the box and Princess Bubblecum does an absolutely uninspired Brad Pitt impression from Se7en.

Whoreceline goes "I love that impression", and Bubblecum goes "You love my box". For someone repulsed by even the idea of intercourse, Sinn certainly hangs around the horniest people imaginable.

Princess Bubblecum announces that they made Sinn a cake for his birthday, a nice gesture amongst friends and likely nothing more. Jerk offers to help them with that and extends his shapeshifting arms toward the box.

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"This cake feels really nipply", notes Jerk. The reason for that being Jerk has grabbed Princess Bubblecum's nipples.. 

Wonderful, moving on. Princess Bubblecum explains that the cake is not Sinn's real present. His real present is...

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WHAM! Before Bubblecum can finish her thought that would've led to fucking in front of a dog, the door FLIES open, and an emotionally vulnerable Ice Peen barges in the room.

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The Ice Peen launches into a villanous monologue but stops himself pretty quickly to ask, "...are you all having some sort of a get-together?" He is so clearly in desperate need of friendship.

Bubblecum lets out a heavy sigh and goes, "Could this party get any worse?". Which I guess is fair for someone who just got cockblocked by an old ice man breaking and entering, but is still very mean.

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Ice Peen goes, "You seem kind of sad. You know when I'm sad I do Crossfit. Do you like Crossfit?"

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That I guess is the last straw for everyone because they all lean in and roast the fuck out of this dude saying shit like:

  • "I didn't invite this bozo, so don't anybody blame me"
  • "Can we throw him out"
  • "He smells like freezer burned fish sticks." - A second person agrees with this and everyone else laughs at it. I'm not sure if this is a porn anymore or if it's just a fucking roast of this sad old man.

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Ice Peen is so embarrassed by this absolute savagery that he decides to leave. He explains he will be back and have his revenge on both Jerk and Sinn. The whole Icetagram thing is never brought up. So to recap, three young hot people were about to bang, but then an old ice man came in and ruined it so they bullied him until he was so embarrassed he had to leave.

"Welp, I better go guard the door in case that guy comes back," Jerk announces, oblivious to the hard fucking this decision will set in motion. 

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Sinn, finally alone with the two girls that made him a cake and are trying to fuck his dick, asks Whoreceline and Princess Bubblecum what the real present they got for him is.

"Oh we have a present for you, alright. We think that you'll find it interesting."

"Interesting? So it's not True Detective Season 2?"

These ladies must be out of their minds because instead of laughing at that hot tamale they start making out with each other.undefined

"Sinn, we thought maybe you'd want to taste our cinnamon buns, and we can make your blip blop explode." The words every virgin longs to hear.

"But I've never done that before," Sinn laments.

"Don't worry," Whoreceline says, "having sex is about as easy as running for President. Any idiot can do it." Got 'em.

"Gynecological!"

From here we cut to the action, which begins with Finn on the couch making out with a now shirtless Whoreceline and Princess Bubblecum. There is light folksy guitar backing everything that sounds a whole lot like the build music from the Sims.

Sinn hops from making out with Bubblecum to Whoreceline and we see the pink body paint is very transferrable.

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For someone who has never had sex in their life, Sinn is an exceptionally quick learner.

The girls get Sinn's shirt and pants off and make out with one another and double suck his dick. While Whoreceline is sucking his dick, you'll notice the attention to detail given to her character design, as she is sporting Marceline's vampire bite on her neck.

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Both of the girls suck his dick while he reaches around and fingers them both from behind. This man was a virgin 35 seconds ago.

The actors are pretty quiet for the most part, until Princess Bubblecum goes, "Sinn you have the best sword in all of Oooo". Sinn reacts with the most genuine, heartfelt, "Thanks Princess Bubblecum!" and it is very funny.

At like 9:30, a helicopter definitely flies over wherever this was shot.

Sinn announces he would like to see them two play with one another, and hops up and out of frame. He hands Whoreceline her axe, which of course is a dildo at the handle end, and Whoreceline fucks Princess Bubblecum with that while Sinn fucks Whoreceline from behind. If Jerk is still guarding the door, he is hearing this all very clearly. 

Princess Bubblecum at one point goes "I can't believe this is his first time", which I agree bears acknowledgment. Whoreceline agrees, "I know he's doing really good."

Sinn is doing absolutley nothing a virgin would do at any second. His portrayal is just not believable, and it is abundantly clear that very little research was done on the part of Michael Vegas (Dick in the Wall Part 1, Hot Marty McFly Fucked by Doc Emmett Brown) on portraying a virgin.

As is the case in all virgin sex, a cunnilingus train is formed, with Sinn eating out Bubblecum, who is then eating out Whoreceline. When I had sex for the first time this happened and it went exactly as well as it does here.

Now a Human Centipede style ass-eating train is formed. Then Sinn saddles up and starts boning Princess Bubblecum, the middle section of the Human Centipede, like an absolute madman. It's so intense the train breaks and them two kind of keep doing their thing which leaves Whoreceline out to dry so she's just like ok I see how it is and grabs her dildo axe and fucks herself with it.

After a cumulative twenty minutes of fucking, Sinn drives himself to climax while fucking Whoreceline doggystyle - an announcement he vocalizes in order to put himself in position to cum on both ladies' faces. He cums, the two of them make out, and then say "Happy Birthday Sinn", to which he responds, again, comically bubbly with "Thanks!"

"That was way better than cake", Finn assures them as we fade away.

"There's still cake. There's still cake!" the two girls say, seemingly improvised and genuinely excited - which is the best line of dialogue to end a porno I can imagine. 

All in all, Assventure Time was very similar, if not shot for shot exactly the same as the sexual experience I had when I lost my virginity. 

1) It was to two women covered completely in body paint

2) I knew exactly what I was doing the whole time

3) And it was all made possible by a dog with expandable arms who stood guard at the door for me.

Assventure Time truly did not need the Ice Peen plot, and Sinn should've been an awkward dunkus who came in four minutes, but obviously I understand why he wasn't. But hey, this porn parody has its cake and fucks it too and for that you've gotta respect it. I will leave you all with the succinct and wise review of this video from PatBatemanBlog, made three months ago to two upvotes.

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