1. The Swarm
A group photo of our hero and his 82 closest buds. They are all smiling, posing with open, inviting arms, hands full of beer cans. Some are shirtless. You cannot tell who you're supposed to be looking at. They are bro...they are legion.
2. The Predator
Our hero holds his kill proudly, like a cat trying to bring the half-dead shrew it caught onto your nice carpet. It is a deer, it is a turkey, it is a fish. It says "I kill things, does that get you wet or whatever?" If you have a picture holding a bigger fish than him, you are the alpha now.
3. The "I Clean Up Nice"
A professional photo from someone's wedding. He is in a suit that fits and is clearly a rental. This is the first and last time he will dress up in the current decade, wearing something other than his light blue Abercrombie button-up with the pink and white stripes that he's had since high school (you know, the last time he was in an Abercrombie).
4. The Proof of Concept
Our hero poses with as many beautiful women as he can fit into frame. See, he says with his eyes, women like me. This could be you. Is that his friend? His ex? His girlfriend? His sister? She's very beautiful - she has kind eyes, and seems like she takes care of herself. Is she single? Who are you supposed to be swiping on again?
5. The Last Known Photo
The worst. It is grainy, poorly-lit, sometimes slapped with several layers of acidic-looking filters. The camera is held at waist height, and we gaze up into his nostrils, hoping to find a reason for that artistic choice. He is in his car. He is probably in traffic. He deserves better than this photo, which looks like it was taken with a security camera. You deserve better. We all deserve better.
6. The LOOK AT MY DOG
I'm not going to date someone just because they have a cute dog, alright? Having a cute dog is not an indication of character, and I'm not going to...
OKAY that's a REALLY fucking cute dog, I'll swipe right.