You can still remember when parties used to be about getting presents or getting drunk. Now that you've graduated and have responsibilities where it actually matters whether you do them or not, parties are about getting other people presents and getting sober so you can leave.

 

1. Low Maintenance Parties

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If the Facebook invite says the party is going to be 'laid back', lay your ass back in bed and stay home. There's nothing wrong with being chill, but the host of this party is so ice cold, they might as well be dead. No matter how few people show up, the host is never actually prepared for any possible thing most people expect at actual parties, or basic functioning households. The only snack is a half-empty bag of stale Doritos just laying on the counter. There's animal hair everywhere, yet you can't find a pet of any sort anywhere.

 

2. High Maintenance Parties

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These parties are the antithesis to the low maintenance party. Instead of not trying at all, this host is trying way too hard, to the point where guests feel pressured to have a good time. Natural and comfortable conversations are interrupted by boring party games and odd icebreakers that nobody wants to participate in but will anyway out of politeness. People are afraid to drink too much of the wine because 1.) You want to be sober enough to duck out early and 2.) The bottle looks like it costs more than your bowling alley carpet leggings.

 

3. Work Parties

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Any party involving your workplace is worse than doing actual work, because at least then you're dealing with your annoying coworkers and also getting money. These parties are just work where you only get paid in buffalo chicken dip and awkward small talk with Todd in HR. His twins just started little league, not that you asked or anything.

 

4. Buy This Overpriced Garbage Parties

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Your coworker tells you she's throwing a party, with plenty of free snacks and drinks. She tacks on the fact that she's hosting the party to sell overpriced garbage after you've already said you're free, so now you can't back out.

It doesn't matter what's being sold. Kitchen supplies, lipstick, herbal products that help you poop. You know you have to buy at least one of what she's hocking no matter what at the risk of looking like a cheap freeloader who only came for the free appletinis. They're always things you have to be guilted into buying, because nobody would want expensive, poorly made leggings that look like 90s bowling alley carpet if you could just get them at Target without any guilt trips or social obligation or appletinis.

 

5. Any party about a baby

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As if baby showers weren't bad enough, your stupid pregnant cousin Catelyn invited you to a gender reveal party as well. Now you'll be obligated to attend not one, but two parties dedicated to a person that isn't even technically going to be there, and one of the parties is going to be centered on finding out what gender roles and stereotypes are going to be forced on said guest of honor.

But you're not going to be the person to bring up gender politics at a party, so you clap when Catelyn opens a box and lets a million whatever-colored balloons out. Then you try to forget that those will inevitably kill a bunch of birds because that's also a poor party conversation starter.

 

6. Any party about a child

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Once you get invited to your friend's kid's 5th birthday party, you'll miss the baby showers because at least the kid was inside a uterus and not screaming during those. There's no alcohol, any single guys have screaming little horrors of their own, and the other parents get mad when you go in the bounce house. There's no age limit, Carol, take your bad vibes back to the table full of lukewarm hot dogs and... Todd from HR? Of course.

 

7. Your Friend is Making An Expensive Lifetime Commitment Party

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Or, as your mom calls them, weddings. Sure, you get a fancy dinner and open bar but, in exchange, you have to sit through the longest church sermon in history, watch your friend from college kiss their partner in front of everyone they know, think about how they're totally going to do it later, and give them an expensive toaster from Bed, Bath and Beyond. You can't even enjoy your filet mignon because you keep thinking about how they've both been out on their own for years and one of them should have a toaster by now.

 

8. Your parties

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Twice the stress and awkwardness of other people's parties, except you can't sneak out early when you stop having fun because you kind of live there. You have to do all the work, buy all the food and booze, clean all the hair out of your bathroom sink, hide all your Steven Universe Funko Pops, and for what? The satisfaction of knowing your friends had fun after they were kind enough to host you at so many of their parties?

Nah, Todd from HR was there. It sucked.