1. I bet those pizza delivery guys hate getting orders with the address "the sewer."
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.-- Joe Kwaczala (@joekjoek) May 16, 2018
2. Tried eating a "banana." Why is the tough yellow part on the outside so flavorless???
No one has fucked up harder than this person pic.twitter.com/wn024Ldgr6-- Bryan Menegus (@BryanDisagrees) May 17, 2018
3. Something to consider before buying that pair of white pants.
people who wear white pants:-- i cant drive 2007 (@prophethusband) May 16, 2018
- horny moms
- horny dads
- ladies is commercials from air fresheners
- people who came into some unexpected money and are spending it poorly
- "spiritual" people who are also extremely horny
4. "Damn, I love how relatable this brand of bathroom wipes is being on Twitter!"
Brands posts on here in 2008: "Good morning Tweeps!"-- jon hendren (@fart) May 17, 2018
2011: "We love our followers :)"
2015: "We apologize for accidentally posting a drawing of spider man getting his diaper changed. We are investigating."
2018: "im a big bitch with a big messy ass and i hope i die soon fam"
5. Someone find the Jim Henson Company and tell them I need 500 hours of this.
you haven't experienced life until you've seen Muppet outtakes pic.twitter.com/D4b2OAgVJm-- The MilanTooner (@TheMilanTooner) May 16, 2018
6. Summer, the season where it's just as cold as winter because you're indoors and the A/C is blasting nonstop.
summer is almost here 🙏🌞 you know what that means-- eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) May 15, 2018
-not ever leaving the house bc its hot
-going to the beach but not taking my shirt off cause im uncomfortable
-my stepdad ron is sweatier than usual
-accidentally fall down a sewer drain, live underground now
7. Update: I am moving to London and high-fiving everyone on that train.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands" and everyone remained silent. I love London-- sophie (@sophxthompson) May 16, 2018
8. My mom? She's a real "tiger" mom. Yeah, she's GRRRRRRRRREAT!
woman in the dating app asked about my parents and i told her my dad was a navy man named crunch and she replied "oh cool" so now i'm trapped in a web of lies where i've said my father is captain crunch-- Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) May 16, 2018
9. "Sure, I can't control WHERE I go, but on the plus side, I also have no control over how fast I get there."
[inventing the hot air balloon] I don't give a fuck where I go-- Troutman (@robotrowboat) May 16, 2018
10. I have heard tales and whispers from the elders of a thing called a "pension." No clue what it means though - perhaps I will find out when I'm flying Space Shuttle Uber at age 97.
shipwreck victims have embraced bits of flotsam and jetsam bobbing in the ocean, and it would be unfair to go pick them up with rescue helicopters pic.twitter.com/N98L8ZqUXf-- gabobgool avakian (@jimpjorps) May 16, 2018