The Bible is a very, very strange document - technically, it's just a WHOLE BUNCH of texts, books, and tomes from many different authors and points in history, which have been altered and edited and translated over and over and over...and still all viewed as a single work. When you have something like that, there's gonna be a lot of weird stuff in there that people mostly gloss over in favor of the bigger messages and themes (especially when several major religions use it as the Word of God). But did you know HOW weird it gets? As the denizens of r/AskReddit found out - PRETTY WEIRD.
1. Genesis 34
Remember Joseph and his coat of many colors? His siblings did a lot.
A man once slept with/raped one of their sisters. The man then asked Joseph's family to marry the girl. The brothers agreed, but said that the man and his entire village/tribe would need to get circumcised first.
So all the men in the village get circumcised, which means they're bedridden for the next couple days. Once that happened, a couple of Joseph's brothers walked into the village and killed every single man while they were in their beds.
2. Judges 11
Man named Jephthah won a battle and was so happy that he told God first creature to come out of my house will be given as a sacrifice. His daughter was the first to come out
3. Judges 5:14
Samson caught 300 foxes and tied them together. Not two. Not ten. Three hundred live foxes.
4. 2 Kings 2:23-24
That one time a guy got called a baldy by some children, so the guy got God to send some bears to maul the 42 children to death.
5. Matthew 21:18-22
Jesus straight up killed a fig tree because it didn't give him fruit.
6. 1 Kings 18
The prophet Elijah challenges 450 prophets of Baal to what is essentially a sacrifice-off, to see whose god will end a drought.
He lets them go first, and as they chant and sacrifice and cut themselves for hours, he's on the sidelines trash-talking them nonstop. Translations vary, but his insults range from "scream louder, I think your god is asleep" to "he must be busy, maybe he's on the toilet". He was literally shit-talking an enemy god.
And then when it's finally his turn, he just goes the extra mile to show them up, completely soaking the wood and the animal he was using for his sacrifice before making it burn.
7. Acts 20
The Apostle Paul is giving an address to a group of people one night. He is so batshit boring that some dude nods off, falls out a window and dies. Paul calmly walks down, raises him back to life and then goes back up and continues the evening.
After the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (for attempting to rape some angels), and after Lot's Wife turns into a pillar of salt for looking back, Lot's two young daughters decided to get their father drunk so they could trick him into getting them pregnant. Old testament is full of some weird shit.
Aaron's two sons, against God's command, burned "strange incense" within the tabernacle. So, God burned them to death with fire in front of the entire congregation, including Aaron and Moses.
Don't fuck with the tabernacle.
10. 1 Samuel 18:27
"David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king's son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage."
tl;dr David wants to marry a chick; chick's dad (the current king) demands enemy foreskins as brideprice; David complies.
Oh, and the whole thing was supposed to be a trap because Saul really wanted David dead. Saul only demanded 100 foreskins, hoping that David would get killed in the process, and the guy brought back double that.
11. Genesis 38:8-10
Onan -- dude gets smote by God because he refuses to come inside his brother's wife
"Then Judah said to Onan, 'Sleep with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.' But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight; so the Lord put him to death also."
12. Deuteronomy 23:1
"He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the Lord."
13. Deuteronomy 25:11-12
"If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity."
Samson was walking with his parents once, and they got attacked by a lion. Rather than trouble mom and dad, he ripped the lion apart with his bare hands and buried it to keep them from noticing. I've always wondered how the following conversation went. "S-Sammy? Uh, what happened to you? Where did all that blood come from?"
15. Proverbs 26:18-19
"As a mad man who casteth firebrands, arrows, and death,
So is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and saith, Am not I in sport?"
The original 'it's just a prank, bro'
And finally - a non-crazy Bible verse, but an important one - Matthew 5:30
Not really insane, but annoying that Christians forget it.
Basically, Jesus's bros come up to him asking "Hey, these chicks are super hot, how do I stop myself from 'accidentally' groping them?
And jesus tells them to cut off their hands. It's better to have no fuckin' hands than to sin by assaulting a woman.
Later (or earlier? I forgot the verse's number) his bros come up saying "Hey Jesus, these chicks are really hot - seeing their titties make me horny, tell them to cover up!" and Jesus goes "Nope, Avert your eyes. If you can't manage that, then pluck out your eyeballs. It's not their fault you're a fuckin' horndog" and they're like "Wait, wat? But the girls are being indecent!"
Jesus: "Did I fuckin' stutter?"