Your Tinder date sucked last night, huh? You're probably experiencing a spectrum of emotionality since the shitty date ended, and that is completely normal. Different people across different cultures experience this spectrum after disastrous, embarrassing Tinder dates, and they do not happen in any exact order. Awful Tinder dates are a natural part of life, and learning the proper coping mechanisms now is important, because woo-boy, you're going to need to use them a few more times.

Please keep in mind that everyone grieves differently. Don't swipe left on any of your feelings, they are all worth getting to know and have a lot to offer in the long run, unlike yourself, evidently! Just kidding--laughter is a good medicine in times of strife.

Here's what the 5 stages of grief look like inside you brain after a bad Tinder date.




Was that a bad date? I'm honestly not sure. I mean, I think I had fun? They seemed like they were smiling, I'm pretty sure? I should text them. Yeah, I'll text them: "Hey!! Had a great time. We should get drinks again ASAP lol". Send. Okay, cool. Hmm, been 15 minutes, still no response. Let me send something else: "Still thinking about that awesome story about how New York and Los Angeles are very different you told me tonight! So insightful". Send. Hmm.

Okay my roommates are going to want to know how it went. Just tell them it went "really cool" and "you weren't gassy at all" despite eating a lot of cheese and having lactose intolerance (another thing you've been in denial about for years). Shit. Am I in denial? The fact that my date was laughing more from looking at fail-GIFs on Instagram than they were from my jokes is not great, but I don't have to tell my roommates that. I don't have to tell anybody anything. You know what? Just go to bed. Go sleep forever.




Shit. I can't goddamn sleep because this FUCKING person won't FUCKING text me back. Okay, fine, it wasn't the best date in the world but what the hell do you expect? We met on a shitty little app and they SAID they liked kids so I thought Dave and Buster's was the perfect dinner spot! Also, the fact they made me pay for the meal AND the skee-ball is really fucking regressive if you think about it.

FUCK THIS, okay? Damn it. If they wanted the perfect date, they should've said so in the beginning before I became super vulnerable and showed them my tattoo from freshman year of that Dumbledore quote. Also, motherfucker, how have you NOT read the books OR seen the movies? Maybe YOU'RE the weird psycho, okay? RESPOND TO MY TEXT!!!!!!!!!! I'm deleting every dating app on my goddamn phone forever! Good riddance!




Morning time. Slept on it. And...still no text. Shoot. Okay, fine, fine, it wasn't perfect, maybe I'm to blame. If only I hadn't worn that ironic T-shirt with Minions on it...maybe if I text them and explain that that was a joke, they'll see that I'm super self-aware and funny and be less weirded out? Or maybe if I just text "sike!!!!" they'll think the whole thing was a prank?

Oh God, if you're listening, please just put something in their cute little head that lets them know I'm a cool and hilarious person. Damn it. Okay, God, if I never ever EVER masturbate again for the day, would you please just let them respond to my text and give me another chance? Oh man, it's because I showed them my tattoo, I just know it. If I hadn't ever gotten that tattoo, I'd probably be married to this person by now. God, I'm sorry for getting the tattoo, okay? God? GOD? HELLO? Won't ANYONE respond to me? Oh! Shit! They just texted me! Thank you, God!




Why, God, why. You could've just never let them respond instead of sending such viciously mean, hurtful words. I have been reading them over and over, even though each time is like a searing hot sword into my heart and ego. "Hey, thanks for everything, but I just didn't feel any connection." How could a person be capable of such raw vitriol? Am I unlovable? I am. I am a gross, ugly little muggle who doesn't deserve love, sex, or the high score on the skee-ball machine at the uptown Dave & Buster's. I'm a stupid idiot for thinking they'd even like me. Why even bother dating at all anymore. I'm just going to smoke weed and listen to Joni Mitchell for the rest of my life. At least those things can't hurt me.




You know what? It's all good. There just wasn't a connection! That's totally fine. It happens every day, I'm sure! I didn't like their outfit, they didn't like my personality, so like, it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I'm a good-looking person, according to my mom and that guy who wanted to take my picture in the mall that one time, so I really shouldn't be so down on myself. There's way more fish in the sea! And amphibians, mollusks, and some mammals, too! Haha, just a little joke for myself. Plus I still have a few more matches on Tinder--oops! I forgot I'd deleted it. Let me get that fired back up and some dopamine rocketing back into the old brainstem. I'll ask this person out--I hope they like Dave & Buster's; I never got a chance to cash in these tickets!