1. The wrongest sentence ever uttered.
a swedish guy in my japanese school: you know, sex is like pizza; even when it's bad, it's good-- Alicia (@doctoranovia) May 28, 2018
girls in my class (me included): *awkward silence*
an italian girl: you know, i don't even agree about the pizza part
2. Same goes for dogs, if we're being honest.
If you drive past horses and don't say "horses" you're a psychopath-- rav (@Doughbvy) May 28, 2018
3. Nothing is as disappointing as IRL waterfalls. Thanks a lot for setting up false expectations, videogames.
if you put a waterfall in your video game and theres nothing behind it you should go to jail-- GothFundMe (@soft_chomps) May 28, 2018
4. Cannot unsee.
5. Hoses > clowns
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.-- Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 27, 2018
6. The other 10% is talking about something funny another friend who lives close to you said, and you both getting the sinking realization that you're growing apart.
Long distance friendships are 90% this conversation.-- Still Sparky (@AndroidSparky) May 28, 2018
friend: I'm hungry
you: okay i'll come get you and we'll go get food
friend: hell yeah
and then you dont do it because you cant.
7. Check your Borat privilege, ladies.
Lesbian couples inherently have more privilege than heterosexual couples as both partners can refer to the other as 'my wife' in a borat voice, whereas in the hetero couple, only one party can refer to the other as such. Gay male couples have the least as neither is the 'my wife'-- zoe ✨✨ (@bbyspinachspice) May 28, 2018
8. Mrs. Murphy sounds cool as hell.
Conversations w/my 90yo neighbor:-- Meg Guliford (@mkguliford) May 27, 2018
Me: Mrs Murphy, I'm headed to the store. Do you want anything?
Her: Two 35s please dear
Me: Do you mean 40s?
Her: No dear. Two 35yo men. One for me and one for you.
Her: But if you don't know what to do with yours, I'll take both
9. They've somehow ruined chimichangas for me, and I LOVE chimichangas.
Anyone who says women only cosplay for attention have never seen a deadpool cosplayer-- This is horrible🌚 (@melongifts) May 27, 2018
10. Seagulls are always living their best life.
I imagine being a seagull is pretty rad because it's basically just endless fries and permission to scream whenever you want.-- Woke But Petty (@marcformarc) May 27, 2018
11. I don't watch crime documentaries to NOT have any answers. I didn't have any answers BEFORE I started.
listen if you do a crime documentary and at the end of it you still haven't solved the crime then you can fuck all the way off. absolutely no thanks-- KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) May 28, 2018
12. Everyone listen to this mom.
my mom owns a cheesecake business and she's got some questions pic.twitter.com/c3wlw9iIz4-- adri🌻 (@adrienne_bc) May 26, 2018